


Sin By Design

by TheSignsOfDeduction



Series: The Alchemy of Loki and Tony [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Marvel Avengers Fusion, Anal Sex, Anger, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Avenger Loki, Break Up, Chaptered, Conflict, Crying, Depression, Drama & Romance, Drunkenness, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fashion Designer AU, FrostIron - Freeform, Gay, Gay Sex, Hair-pulling, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Homosexuality, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Loki Angst, Loki Has Issues, Loki-centric, Loss, M/M, Men Crying, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Newspapers, Oral Sex, Pain, Requited Love, Romance, Scars, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Sharing Clothes, Sorry Not Sorry, Tattoos, Tony Being Tony, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, Tony Stark Has Issues, Triggers, Warning: Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 07:08:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2842391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSignsOfDeduction/pseuds/TheSignsOfDeduction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young designer by the name of Loki Laufeyson meets one Tony Stark and falls in love almost instantly, even before he knows who Tony Stark is, and even before he realises what it will do to him. (Frostiron ship)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November, 2012

One eyelid swiftly reveals an emerald green eye. Its focused gaze shifts to the black, simple rectangular clock above the bedroom door. It's 4:28 AM. He shuts the eyelid softly, almost reassuringly, as if something he'd feared had not come yet. But after a few minutes of lying in that position, a frown has formed, lines now showing the frustration on his pale face. He forcefully opens both and stares up at the white ceiling, heaving a soft but exasperated sigh. As he resigns to the knowledge that he will not get any more sleep out of himself this time, his left hand grabs the quilt cover on his right and pulls it to the left, uncovering a crumpled plain black T-shirt and a pair of dark green shorts. His feet find themselves on the ground as he walks familiarly toward the toilet and starts his morning ritual of taking a piss and brushing his teeth.

Wiping his wet hands on a towel, he starts towards the dining room table, where there is no food, but instead, colour pencils, pencils, pens, black markers, papers and fabric of all kinds sprawled on the table. It is in stark contrast with the rest of the neat house. One piece of paper is crumpled into a ball, but he had tethered back and forth between throwing it into the bin and not doing as such. He feels a surge of resentment towards the creation that lay on that piece of paper but he opened it anyway.

Unfortunately, it hadn't changed. That same black pencil skirt with the thick white lace emblem of a lion on the front and a small slit on the hem of the back stares back at him, screaming "Something's not right!". He sits down at the table, hands in front of his mouth, in deep thought. He glances over to his impressive array of colour pencils and fabric and nothing worked. He sketches more of the same skirt, shortening it, lengthening it, adding a layer, quickly removing that layer, etc.

Soon, hours pass and he presses the home button on his phone to see the time. It was already 9 AM.

His back straightens, he knows it would have been sent to him an hour ago. He rises and takes long strides towards his laptop that lay on the couch. He opens it, fingers impatiently tapping the laptop as he waits for the screen to load. He refreshes his email, and he sees an email titled "The Laufeyson Project shots" sent at 8:28 AM from [tony.s@kmail.com](mailto:tony.s@kmail.com). Perhaps it was lucky that he checked it this late, or the incompetence of the photographer would have riled him up for half an hour. Letting that slide, he opens the email and downloads the attachment.

The image appears on his screen. His first reaction is anger. Pure, seething anger that no amount of punching or screaming will be able to help in the slightest.

The model stood firmly, as she looked right at the the viewer with a gaze that could kill. Her hands were slightly raised at the sides, as though she was summoning a greater power. She adorned Loki's faux leather creation as though it was made for her. The figure hugging, faux leather, turtleneck crop top had sleeves that extended to the fingers, with a triangular extension starting from the wrist. The tip of that extension sported a ring for the middle finger, so that it would stay in place. The crop top also had a thin, inverted, triangular cut out that exposed collarbones, but nothing else. Her waist was exposed, and the outfit continued in pants of the same material. The pants were decorated with slight and haphazard lines at the top that would compliment the wearer's figure. The ensemble ended off with ankle boots.

Loki had already been at the photoshoot so he knew all of this. What he is seething about is the fact that everything but the clothing is in monochrome. The green of his choosing has a scarlet quality to it and it would have been complemented by the paled scarlet background and green decor, but now it only stands in a sea of black and white. He hates it not because it looks worse - he hates it because it conflicts with his vision.  He shuts the laptop, ignoring the pompous attitude of the photographer that further proved itself in the informal nature of the message of the email: "So what do you think?" He walks over to the kitchen, by far the cleanest room in the apartment, and grabs a slice of bread, seemingly the only food in the kitchen. He fills a cup with iced water and silently, he takes an angry bite of the bread, before washing it down with water. His eyes fight the urge to look at the cupboards as they tear up and a hand grabs the kitchen counter for support, even though he is not at all dizzy. Although he is alone, he shuts his eyelids, not wanting anyone to see the hot tears that has formed. Holding his breath, he waits for the anger to die down, like it was fire and he had to deprive it of oxygen. Sure enough, the anger dissipated, but the explosion that was the definite result of the deprivation of oxygen from fire came in the form of emptiness. He was no longer fighting a battle against the photographer's stupid decisions, but against himself and the depression that manifested itself in him. The emptiness, like a black hole, demanded to be filled and he turned his face to the cupboards and opened his eyes. With the force of how hard he had closed his eyes, it comes as no surprise that black spots now clouds his vision. It matters not. He starts toward the cupboards and pulls them open to expose the array of sharp objects in them, from pen knives to daggers. He reaches for the former and the scars on his thigh feel that much more present.

There's a reason his kitchen is the cleanest place in his house.

-

His cursor hovers over the 'send' button as he tries to decide whether to reply to the photographer or not. He had written, quite simply: "Hi Tony. The photos looks great. With regards, Loki Laufeyson". His pride wins this time and he clicks the 'x' button at the top right hand, erasing his words. Sweat droplets had formed on his face and his shirt had been so drenched he'd taken it off. He closes his laptop once again, but this time softly, as if to atone for his prior harshness. He heads into the bathroom and takes off his shorts and underwear, chucking them to the floor. He steps into the shower and slowly adjusts the temperature. He finds solace in these small, mechanical actions, for they are completely his own and no one else can have any control over them. He closes his eyes and lets the water run down his face, wetting his jet black hair and the rest of his body. He stands there for a full minute, relishing in the stinging pain of his newest pen knife cuts on his thigh.

He smiles. Chuckling, he starts to sing.

"Oh, when the saints  
Come marching in  
Oh, when the saints go marching in  
I want to be  
In their number  
Oh, when the saints go marching in..."

For the first time since before he read the email, he feels completely fine and satisfied. Then, he lathers his hair and body with shampoo and body wash respectively. He steps out of the shower and dries himself off with a towel, but puts nothing on. The first thing he does is to email Tony Stark what he wanted to two hours ago. Then, he sits down at the dining table and smoothes the crumpled pencil skirt drawing before sliding it into a folder titled 'Maybes', full of crumpled sketches that he never looked at again.

He looks at the clock again and it is 12.03 PM. Still expressionless, he walks to his bedroom and opens his wardrobe. He's completely fine with nakedness but he has another photoshoot to go to. He puts on a black, loosely fitted T - Shirt that had a thin gold line that extended from each shoulder blade to each underarm. He puts on a pair of black underpants and slides a pair of dark green jeans on. Grabbing his usual black faux leather jacket, his phone, wallet and keys, he heads out of his apartment.

-

He arrives to the photoshoot early, and the model hasn't arrived yet. He spots the photographer - the same photographer - and he looks upwards in exasperation. He decides to make it a point to make sure their visions are similar this time. But... Just not yet. He walks toward the cafeteria.. which just happened to be in the opposite direction.

"Hey Loki!"

Fuck.

Loki spins 180 degrees on his heel and faces Tony Stark.

"Hello, Mr. Stark." Loki addresses cordially and just a little coldly.

"Call me Tony." Tony says with a smile, extending a hand. As Loki accepts the handshake, Tony continues.

"Pity we didn't get a chance to meet last time."

"Pity." Loki agrees with a tight smile.

Tony looks pointedly toward the cafeteria. "Shall we?"

"Sure."

Once they sit down, Tony with a coffee in his hand and Loki with a cup of Earl Grey tea in front of him, they start to talk. Loki started first.

"So," Loki begins with a bit of caution, "What made you go with black and white?"

"Ah." Tony says with realisation.

"What?"

"You don't like it."

Loki purses his lips, and his gaze darts from the tea to Tony's eyes. The silence says it all.

"Look. No one's going to admire an advert long enough to realise the 'scarlet quality in the green'. Against the monochrome, the outfit stands out more. It's more accessible." Tony defends, taking a sip from his coffee.

"Accessible." Loki repeats.

"More people will buy it." Tony elaborates. Tony's resolve has not wavered slightly, not even after his assigned designer has been doubting his expertise.

"We'll see if you're right." Loki says with finality, seeing the model arrive, and he starts to get up.

"Hey," Tony calls.

Loki half turns back, frowning slightly.

"I like the dress."

Loki's eyes dart to the side, then back to Tony with his mouth open very slightly. He did not expect a compliment from the very man he'd just insulted.

"Thanks." Loki replies with a touch of uncertainty, and he leaves.

The dress Tony described and the one the model is now wearing is, indeed, likeable. In fact, it's one of Loki's favourites in his debut line, The Loki Project.

The midnight blue dress is formal, but seductive and playful. It has long sleeves, and the dress goes down to right above the knees. The slight collars of this dress are erect, and they extend from the neck to the waist, leaving the section between the breasts bare, but leaving everything to the imagination. Obviously, for the collar to be erect, the dress has to be made with a suitably hard material, and this material helps the structured skirt part too. At first the dress collects, leaving indents, but then it widens. It has been matched with a victorian era style hat that has a gauze that covers half the face and a pair of slight navy blue boots, with heels small, but very pointed.

When Loki sees his dress come to life on the model, it's his favourite feeling in the world. He doesn't smile, but no other feeling can beat this. It isn't quite happiness, per se, but he is sure this is better.

To make this even better, the photographer did not mess up this time.

Tony Stark, after agreeing to have the background and props as Loki suggested the first time, had ignored their arrangement by decolourising everything but the clothes. This time, Loki's advice to him had just been written as 'make it simple.' The background is now a pale blue setting, and a plain eggshell chair.

"So?" Tony Stark is beside him, shooting him a raised eyebrow.

"It's fine." Loki admits, offering a small smile.

"So this is the last one then?" Tony asks, "I haven't any more The Laufeyson Project photoshoots on my schedule."

"Yes. After the previous assigned photographer quit halfway, there were only two outfits left to photograph." Loki sounds as though he is telling Tony something Tony already knew. Which is probably true.

The conversation pauses in silence that neither really knows how to fill, or seems to want very much to. So as the model finishes the last touch ups on her make up, Tony doesn't need a goodbye to go to his camera, and Loki doesn't even blink when that happens.

The model goes from position to position almost continuously. She rests a hand on the chair, standing up, and raises the other to her forehead, her elbow then forming a practiced 90 degrees. Then she pushes out her bum and stretches both hands to rest on her chair. This continues, and Loki watched in silence and a little reverie. He hears Tony call out encouragement and advice to her, and he observes the direct and immediate impact it has on her. Loki starts to admit that Tony Stark kind of knows what he's doing.

And so as the last of The Laufeyson Project photoshoots comes to an end, the team cheers and the model strides over to stand beside Loki.

"I love your clothes." She compliments.

"Thank you."

There's a bout of silence as she doesn't know how to reply to that.

"You wanna go out sometime?" She asks, turning to Loki.

"Sorry, no." Loki says politely.

The model shrugs and walks into the changing room confidently.

Tony has witnessed this whole encounter. He walks up to Loki.

"You wanna go out sometime?"

Loki turns sharply to Tony. He looks Tony up and down, trying to figure out what Tony's playing at.

"No." He says cautiously.

"Right. Just checking." Tony explains.

Although Tony didn't elaborate, it is obvious what he meant.

"Do you really think," Loki starts with a bemused tone, "that you are so irresistible and desirable that if I were attracted to men at all, I'd be attracted to you?"

"I'd apply that rule to most people who have good taste." Tony replied, not missing a beat.

"So if I were to not go out with you and be gay, I'd have poor taste."

Tony smirks, and starts moving backward, his gaze still fixed on Loki.

"Luckily, I'm saving you from having to say yes."

Loki wondered what Tony meant for a split second, when his thoughts were answered.

"DRINK FOR ALL, MY TREAT." Tony announced, to the cheers of the crew.

Loki rolls his eyes and turns his back to leave. Tony notices this.

"ON ONE CONDITION." Tony announces.

Everyone goes quiet, even Loki stops heading out.

"Loki Laufeyson must come." Tony says.

Everyone turns to Loki. Some start persuading him to come. "Come on, Loki!" says a person who has spoken to Loki before. "Do it for us!" says a person who has not. Loki angles his head to the side and tries to protest. As he does so, he catches Tony's eye. Tony, now standing confidently with his hands folded in front of him, has the audacity to smirk, as if he knows that Loki would say yes.

Luckily - or unluckily - for Tony, Loki was in the mood to cause some damage to the pompous ass. Even if it's just in his wallet.

"I accept." Loki says, a smile spreading across his face and a mischievous glint in his eyes. This is met by a roar of applause from the twenty something people on set.

"THEN TO THE RED COCKTAIL IT IS!" Tony says, naming the nearest bar. People start exiting and heading in that direction.

"Shall we?" Tony offers an arm for Loki to put his hand through in the spirit of mock gentlemanliness.

Loki bows his head as he says, "We shall." and he completely ignores Tony's gesture as he starts towards the door. Once again not  missing a beat, Tony drops his arm, laughs and follows, walking now at the same pace as Loki.

-

"Another bottle of vodka!" Shouts an already drunk lighting designer, to the drunk cheers of other members of the crew.

Loki laughs. "Regret it yet, Tony?"

In response, Tony turns to the counter, but keeps his gaze on Loki, and says "Another bottle of 2011 Moscato d'Asti!"

Loki grins wider and raises both eyebrows. "What, does your father own the bank?"

"Close. But better." Tony replies. "You don't know a thing about me, Laufeyson."

"And vice versa."

"I know you're a fashion designer."

Loki frowns. "I know you're a photographer."

Tony only offers an unreadable smile, which only makes Loki more confused. The waitress enthusiastically brings around the bottle of red wine to Tony. Perhaps because Tony had just given what normally would have been one entire week's of business. She starts to fill Tony's glass, but he motions for her to stop, and she goes on to fill Loki's, and leaves.

"So when you're not photographing clothes, what do you do?" Loki prompts.

"Unfortunately, that's kind of third date material knowledge." Tony replies.

"Right."

"Guess you just have to wait to find out." Tony teases, enjoying the frustration on Loki's face.

"You think I care so much about your personal life that I would spend another two nights with you just to gain knowledge about your second occupation, which I'm not sure even exists?" At this point, Loki is surprised that Tony Stark has proven himself to be even more arrogant than he first thought. To further demonstrate this, he scoffs, and laughs. This display, if anything, is a clear indication that Loki is a little tipsy. "You had to blackmail me in front of the whole crew for a first date, and spend what must be hundreds of dollars to continue it.

Tony only watches Loki intently, even smiling and biting his lip as he watches Loki talk.

And though Loki wouldn't admit to Tony, and least of all himself, he was a little taken by Tony's mysterious and adamant ways.

"You must think I'm mad." Loki laughs and leaves the table, going over to join the make up artist. He does not want to think about why he did what he did, and though he tells himself it was because Tony was just not his type, at the back of his mind, he knew why. For what lay there was still a very alive and vivid picture of the last person to break his heart: Thor Odinson. And perhaps a little closer to the surface, or more specifically, his skin, was a constant reminder that he was, in fact, not mentally sound at the moment.

But as he watched the last of the crew members leave, he has not brought himself to do so yet. And the reason why was signing the bill for all the bottles they had just consumed.

"So tell me something, Tony Stark." Loki turns to Tony, once they both were outside the bar. "Was I worth it?"

"I haven't yet decided." Tony smiles. "Besides, the date isn't yet over."

Loki couldn't argue with that.

"So where do you live?" Tony asked, holding the door for Loki.

"29 Collingham Place."

As Tony slides into the driver's seat, Loki can't resist.

"What's the criterion for the success of this date?"

Tony locks the door, starts the car, and turns to Loki. This time, there's a fire; a hunger, in his eyes that wasn't there before. He reaches for under Loki's chin, and Loki's mouth opens almost automatically. Tony swoops in to meet that mouth and slides his tongue in too. Soon, Loki's hands are behind Tony's head, pulling on strands of his hair. Tony's hands go a bit lower - they start to unbutton and unzip Loki's pants. But once Loki hears the zip going down, one hand stops both of Tony's, and their kiss breaks. Loki, one hand still behind Tony's head, looks at Tony, his eyes darting from Tony's right eye, to his left eye, and back, as if he is checking something. Whatever it was, he found it, because Loki brought his mouth to Tony's neck, kissing and sucking on it, and his hands work at Tony's pants. The sounds that escape Tony's throat served only as encouragement, and Loki, immediately after bringing his pants and underpants down to expose Tony's cock, puts his hand around it and starts giving him a handjob. Tony used his hands to bring Loki's mouth back to his, as he had to quell the sounds that were coming from himself. They didn't stop during the kiss, they now simply echoed back against Loki's throat.

Maneuvering his hand in a corkscrew fashion, he moved his hand up and down, not ignoring the tip, which his thumb took care of. It was too much for Tony. He did not anticipate this turnout. As he is about to cum, he throws his head back, parting the kiss, and giving more sounds of pleasure. Loki, his attention now fully on Tony's cock, starts jerking Tony off even harder, even faster. Tony gives one final yell and ejaculates, his fist crumpling Tony's shirt. They hear a loud and sudden crash just as this happens, and the alarm for the car in front of them goes off. Loki turns to that car and realises why. Tony didn't have to.

He only had to lift his foot from the accelerator.


	2. Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November, 2012.

"Oh, my God." Loki sits up straight in his seat, his eyes fully widened in shock. "What do we do," He asks, his dry voice making the line sound more like a statement than a question.

Tony recovers from his shock faster than Loki. And there's something to be said about that, considering the fact that his penis was now hanging out of his pants loose and flaccid, and his dashboard was laced with a shot of his ejaculation. Also, his car, a Volvo, had suffered its own damage, albeit less heavy than that of the Mercedes-Benz in front of them.

They look at each other, Loki worriedly and Tony biting his bottom lip in thought.

"Looks like this date just got a little more expensive." Tony offers the anticlimactic comment, and grins at Loki.

Loki opens his mouth, but it takes Tony's lead and breaks into a grin, and then he full out laughs. In fact, they both start laughing so hard they can't stop, and tears come out of their eyes. It isn't till they hear the distant wail of the police siren come to investigate the source of the car alarm that they regain their composure.

"Shit. Quick." Loki says as he takes off his jacket and throws it over Tony's lap, covering his dick. Tony grabs a tissue from the glove compartment and wipes the translucent but telling white stain. They finish this simultaneously, and just in time for the policeman to come and knock on their window.

"Hey open up!" They hear the muffled commands of the police officer through the car door windows. Tony does as he says.

"How the heck did this happen?" He demands.

"Sorry sir, it was an accident. I'll pay for the damages in full."

The officer sighs. He looks at the Red Cocktail.

"Been drinking?" He questions.

Loki's back stiffens. Had Tony Stark been drinking?

"Not a drop, sir."

Loki looks at Tony, trying to figure out if he was lying. But if he was, it would have been futile, for the officer was now doing a breathalyzer test on him.

"Clean." The officer deduces.

Loki releases a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. But for some reason, he felt like this was the most surprising and unexpected thing he'd learnt of Tony Stark tonight. It was just so.. uncharacteristic.

"My car!" A half dressed man came running across the street to the Mercedes-Benz and the officer automatically turned to him to calm him down.

Tony raises both eyebrows at Loki and takes his checkbook out of his glove compartment. "Here we go."

-

Loki leans against a wall and watches Tony write a check to the owner of the Mercedes-Benz using anger to mask his elation at what must be a huge check. Loki stares at Tony, and he soon realizes that this indiscernible man has somehow allowed him to laugh, mock, feel sexual excitement and feel actual fear all in one night, all of which perhaps is more than what he had felt in the last four months of his life. Tony catches Loki's eye and shoots him a look of mock and exaggerated exasperation, telling Loki that the man wouldn't stop talking. The man, so engrossed in his words, does not notice this. Loki laughs silently and looks down. When he looks back up, Tony's gaze has been waiting for him, with a smile to match.

"I'm sorry!" He mouths, and his gaze lingers on Loki for a second more, and then returns to the man.

Loki checks his phone. It is 2 AM and he is stranded out here on the street, waiting for a guy who he had just introduced himself to half a day ago. In normal circumstances, Loki would be fuming. But it isn't until Tony apologises that Loki realises that Tony had anything to apologise for. And Loki resigns to the fact that against all his own wishes, he might have taken interest in someone. He groans.

So after what felt like an eternity, Tony and Loki now both were in the car, headed to Loki's place. They find themselves laughing over the debacle that just occurred, as if it were a mere trifle.

"Wait so how much did you pay?" Loki interjected.

"Make a guess."

Loki thought for a while. "Five thousand."

Tony smiles. "Right, so you've never owned a car."

Loki scowls. "Just tell me."

"Well, it's about.. six times your guess." Tony admits, way too casually.

Loki's eyes bulge. "Holy crap."

"Yep."

There's silence as Loki tries to think of an appropriate response.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't sweat it. We're here." Tony stops the car and they both get out.

Loki walks down the steps into his apartment in the basement and unlocks the door. He turns around to find Tony Stark leaning against the Volvo, looking down at him.

"You want to come in?" Loki offers, realising that it was already 3:30 AM.

Tony's lips pull into a mischievous smile. "Sorry; that's third date material."

Loki rolls his eyes. "Goodnight, Tony Stark."

"Goodnight, Loki. I look forward to seeing you again." Tony replies, getting into the car. He waits until Loki gets into his house and drives home. As soon as Loki gets in, however, he slumps dramatically against the back of the door, closing his eyes.

"Shit." He swears.

Recovering, he walks straight to his bathroom and takes a shower.

-

One week later and two hours before the release party for The Laufeyson Project, Loki stands in front of his wardrobe. A thin line of black eyeliner traces his top lid and another thin line of white eyeliner fills his bottom waterline. His eyes mentally sift through the hanging clothes. He decides the occasion's a little too important for a black tee and opts for a dark green button-up instead. He pairs it with a pair of maroon pants and a lighter green coat, both of which complements his pale skin and accentuates his green eyes. Normally he wouldn't be dressing up so much, but secretly, he was dressing to impress.

He looks at himself in the mirror and decides to also put on a thin black tie. Putting his wallet into the back pocket of his pants, he grabs his phone and keys and heads out the door.

-

He's late by fifteen minutes. He jogs from the nearest Tube station to the restaurant where they are celebrating his debut, one Bella Italia. He walks into the restaurant and is greeted by cheers of welcome from the team, the cheers edged with a tinge of relief, perhaps that he'd shown up.

"He's here!" shouts the cameraman.

His suspicions are confirmed.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," replies Loki politely as his eyes scan through the crowd before landing on Tony. He drops his gaze as soon as he realises that it's being returned.

"Come on, Loki! Take a seat. It's only.." The make up artist checks her watch, "eleven minutes until your designs are sold in shops."

Loki moves to sit at the seat she motioned to. He ignores the fact that Tony sits a whole 3 seats away.

"And about forty-eight hours and eleven minutes until a journalist denounces me, then." Loki jokes and raises the glass in front of him.

"To success and teamwork!"

He is met with cries of agreement. He knows that such a close knit production team was uncommon, though certainly not rare, and he was grateful for the lack of trouble on set. His eyes meet with Tony's and this time, they stay there for a while.

"The next time Loki has a release party for a line, there'll be a red carpet, I know it!" predicts the lighting designer.

"Oh please," Loki dismisses. He wonders why Tony's smile faltered when the careless prediction was made. Luckily, he was quickly distracted once more.

"I know things!" rebuts the lighting designer.

"You're wearing jeans and a polo shirt!" laughs someone else. The others join in, making fun of him. Loki chuckles along, glad also that Tony laughed along.

At the end of the party, everyone said their goodbyes and Loki half-expected Tony to stick around, but he was met with a little disappointmeng. So as Tony was about to leave, Loki grabbed his right arm softly.

"So how about that third date I've heard so much about?" Loki asked.

Was that uncertainty on Tony Stark's face?

"Yes. Of course." Tony accepts. "How's Sunday night?"

Loki bows his head in a single nod, grinning. "Fine with me."

"I'll pick you up, Loki Laufeyson." Tony replies, only the hint of a smile playing at his lips, and he turns to walk away.

He was going to see Tony again in six days. He can still see him walking away. So why does he feel like he's already gone? Shaking off the thought, he heads to the Tube station to take a ride home. He convinces himself that it was his mental illness talking, that it was making him see things differently from how they are. So by the time he gets home, he is filled with excitement and far from sleepy. So he does the only thing anyone rational in his position would do. He sits at his dining table- no, desk - and starts to draw.

A high collar extends from a small 'V' shaped neckline to the chin. The sleeves are long, and slim. He pauses for a second. He draws an arrow to the half-done design. "dark blue; wool" he writes. He continues, making a sharp turn at the waist, accentuating the hour glass figure. This figure is, however, less natural and more like a stretched 'V' on both sides. The chest area is decorated with two columns of gold buttons, not unlike the ones some marching band uniforms have. The end of the V is given more layers; distinct ones, and he's finished with his newest design - a playsuit. All of this takes less than fifteen minutes. He knows it will still require touch ups and minor redesigns and re-evaluations, but it rarely ever took him this fast to create a first draft. He mentally takes a step back and scans the playsuit. His eyebrows have subconsciously pulled into a frown and his lips are pressed tightly together. He purses them.

"Pride" he names the design, writing the word at the top of the page. He relaxes in his chair and leans back. He takes a long, deep breath.

"What have you done, Tony Stark?" He whispers to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is titled in honour and celebration of the new movie, Pride (2014). Let's hope the media continues to champion gay rights.


	3. The Laufeyson Project Reviews

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December, 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this adds a bit of realism to the otherwise romantic story :)

FEMME FATALE, DECEMBER 2012 ISSUE, PAGE 6

NEW DESIGNER LOKI LAUFEYSON HIT STORES LAST WEEK

A new line, The Laufeyson Project, consisting of 30 articles of clothing, hit stores last Friday. Already, it has garnered massive public attention. We spotted one Ms Veronica (name changed for privacy), who exited The New Classic with a Laufeyson dress worth $89, offered her opinion on the line: "It's innovative, and reasonably priced." However, not all the attention is positive. Fashion critique Amora, more commonly known as The Enchantress, stated in her review that it was "obviously (done by a) mediocre and inexperienced designer".

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THE GIRL CODE, DECEMBER 2012 ISSUE, PAGE 2

SEXY NEW FASHION LINE IS ON THE MARKET.. (AND SO IS THE DESIGNER)

Hottie alert!! What more can a girl wish for than a cute guy who will also make you clothes? Don't worry, he does exist. Loki Laufeyson (see picture above), a young and handsome fashion designer has just released a new line by the name The Laufeyson Project (See below). But we didn't have to tell you that of course! You had to be hiding under a rock to have not noticed it all around! For those of you girls lucky enough, you're already wearing one of the dresses. For the rest, we're holding a contest! Moo us at @TheGirlCode telling us why you want a dress and stand a chance to win! Thirty winniers will be chosen for the thirty dresses.

Okay! We can hear you screaming for more information about Loki already. He's 21, British, and single! So ladies, what are you waiting for?? GO!

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FASHION FORECAST, DECEMBER 2012 ISSUE, PAGE 3

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR THE LAUFEYSON PROJECT?

Perhaps we have a new top designer on the rise, predicts experts. Loki Laufeyson, already garnering mass media attention for his daring high end styles at affordable prices, at 21, has released a line, titled The Laufeyson Project. The promising designer brings a unique style to the table with what some are calling "the most simultaneously conservative and provocative designs of all time". Let's hope we see more from him in the near future.

(See next page for photos of 6 of his designs)

-

[www.The-Enchantress.com/reviews/december/the-laufeyson-project](http://www.daniellawilliams.com/reviews/december/the-laufeyson-project)

The Next Big Overhype, Loki Laufeyson

It's not often someone who has devoted his or her life to the arts gets a big break early on in their career. Some never do. Which is why when it finally happens, it's a great, monumental thing. What would also be great is if the source can meet the hype in kind.

The new The Laufeyson Project by Loki Laufeyson is nothing short of obviously mediocre and Loki Laufeyson himself is nothing but an inexperienced designer. For one, his designs are all over the place. You can see some medieval influence in a dress and you can see futuristic in another ensemble. If there was a running theme for the line, it would be failure

Everyone, stop buying Loki Laufeyson. Turn your attention to something more worthwhile. Here's to hoping we won't see that much more of Loki Laufeyson in the future.

Comments:

poprincesz_21 says:  
I was so bought over by the hype and I actually spent money on him. UGH.  
TheEnchantress replies:  
Don't worry honey, you can donate it to the less fortunate. Or give it to someone you hate as a Christmas present. By then, they'd be the less fortunate already.


	4. The Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December, 2012

At 5:30pm on Saturday night, Loki Laufeyson sits up on the side of his bed, breathing shallowly. The tears on his face have dried and were now making his face feel stiff. He is very conscious of his blinking and he is so tired that he only focuses on his blinking. He blinks once fleetingly, then another time as hard as he could, then one for exactly 2 seconds. Funny how seconds can seem so long sometimes. He doesn’t move for a few minutes, too tired to do anything but stay. And then he feels it coming again, like a surge or a wave that would not stop. And his heartrate begins to quicken and his fists clench almost automatically. He throws himself backwards, shaking as if something had overcome him. He grabs his pillow and he tries to rip it apart. Not that he doesn’t want his pillow any more, but that it is something he could focus his strength to. He opens his eyes wide at the ceiling and he wants to scream, but there are neighbours. He lets out a quick scream, and then one so high and airy it is nothing more than a whisper, but that effectively fulfills that need. He trashes around, kicking and crying, and when he feels like he can, he holds his breath.

Time stands still.

He feels the quick double breaths caused by the crying stop, and his tear-filled eyes look around. They look worried; worried that he had somehow unknowingly destroyed something, or had cracked the wall again. He feels himself calm down and the strangled air start to escape his lungs. When he starts to breathe again, he falls asleep immediately.

-

At 5:30pm on Sunday night, Loki walks out of the shower with eyeliner, bronzer and a bit of nude lipstick naked with a towel wrapped around his hair to keep the drenched hair from wetting the room. He takes out a short-sleeved, black, button-up shirt with no breast pockets and buttons it over his bare chest. He pulls on a pair of dark green underwear and he walks to the mirror. His eyes trace the outline the tight fitting shirt gives him and silently approves it. He walks back to his wardrobe and picks a pair of army green skinny jeans and pulls it up. It doesn’t need it but he also secures it with a thin black belt with gold rimmed holes. He walks over to the mirror again. He undoes the belt and pulls his jeans down halfway, then back up over his shirt. He fastens the belt once more and looks at his reflection to examine the tucked in look. He silently approves this too. He pulls a large black wool overcoat from the hanger and slides it on. It is double breasted with simple silver buttons. He smiles at himself in the mirror and does a few poses that we will never ever speak of. He takes off the towel finally and blow dries his black hair. He gels it back a little, but just to keep enough hair out of his face. His curls are still very visible. He looks like sex, and he knows it. He sits down on the bed and takes his phone out.

He unlocks it and realizes that he still doesn’t have Tony’s number. He makes it a point to ask him for it later. He decides to play a little music until Tony gets here, which should be anytime now. Connecting his phone to the speaker via Bluetooth, he starts to play Got My Mind Set On You for no other reason other than its amazingly fun beat, he _swears_. It puts a smile on his face and he starts to dance a little dance around his small apartment. After a while, he starts to sing too. But halfway through the line “But it’s gonna take money!”, the doorbell rings and Loki freezes in shock for a moment and he turns it off by pausing the song on his phone. He pulls on two socks and maroon, faux leather dress shoes and he jogs towards the door. He opens it and Tony is standing outside with a bouquet of flowers in his hand and a very telling grin on his face.

“Didn’t quite peg you for the George Harrison type.” Tony jokes.

Loki rolls his eyes and jokes back. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you your basic greetings?”

“Oh, you mean before she died? Nope never got the chance.” Tony says matter-of-factly.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry-”

“No worries, darling,” Tony smiled.

Loki felt his heart flutter a bit.

“Shall we?” Tony did a bad impression of an English gentleman and he held out a hand for Loki.

Laughing, Loki took his hand and headed up the stairs to the pavement and into Tony’s car.

-

In the car, Loki rests his elbow on the door and angles himself to look at Tony. Tony wears a yellow and black checkered button up shirt which he buttoned all the way to the top and secured with a black tie. He paired this with a dark brown and leather biker jacket, which Loki thought was a bit strange because he drives a Volvo. Tony wore jeans – again – and black boots which was sheathed under his jeans. Loki’s eyes trail all the way back up again and to Tony’s face just in time to see Tony’s gaze flicker from him back to the road as if he doesn’t know someone is checking him out. Loki smiled a bit and continued looking at Tony. Tony’s face has a thin layer of facial hair on it. A bit of dark hair surrounds his jawline and chin, and a bit of hair rests above his lip. He had obviously put in some effort in maintaining the look. Loki also can’t help wondering if he had taken care of his hair in certain other parts of his body-

“Hey, not that I don’t like you checking me out, but save your tongue for a bit later into the night okay?” Tony teases, keeping his eyes on the road.

 _Shit_ , Loki thinks. Had he really been licking his lips? A slight blush floods his face and he takes his arm off the door to sit upright. “Sorry.” He says softly and quickly, determined to look anywhere but at Tony.

Tony chuckles. “You look pretty too.”

Loki isn’t exactly sure if Tony was teasing him again or actually giving him a compliment (albeit sheathed in a self-compliment) so he just says “Thanks” in the most neutral voice he can muster.

Loki looks out the window and he doesn’t recognize the place Tony is taking him. There weren’t many restaurants in sight and the houses look grander and more expensive. He starts to wonder what Tony could possibly be, if not a full-time photographer.

“We’re here.” Tony says as he reverses the car into his garage. Loki jerks his head up to the three story house beside this garage that Tony lives in. His mouth forms a small ‘o’. When Tony opens the door and leaves the car, Loki quickly does the same and they walk to the front door that confuses Loki for a moment because there was no keyhole. In fact, it was a pattern-less, smooth, black door without anything on it. But the confusion is immediately relieved and then replaced with more confusion when Tony taps a key card against the middle portion of the door and it opens automatically.

“Please.” Tony motions for Loki to enter.

The black door is a stark contrast to the white minimalism of the interior. With Tony’s work ethic, Loki would have never expected the place to be so clean. To be honest, Loki hadn’t expected any of this. The long hallway with a room on each side, one a bedroom and one a kitchen, has a small and tall wood table at its end. There is a single pink flower in a Chinese vase resting on it and a strange abstract painting hanging on the wall above it. The end of the hallway reveals a dining room on the right and a living room with stairs to the next story on the left. Loki turned around to look at Tony with wondrous, questioning eyes and saw Tony leaning against a wall, staring at him.

“You live here?” Loki asks.

“Rich family, yeah.” Tony offers as an explanation, but he clearly didn’t want to elaborate. “Dinner? Jarvis – oh, he’s my butler – prepared a wonderful meal. But I gave him a few days off after he prepared the dinner tonight.”

Loki started to recover from the initial surprise. “I have so many questions.”

-

Loki takes a mouthful of the grilled salmon and his eyes close as he continues to chew. When he opens his eyes, he sees Tony Stark biting off half a French fry and staring at him. Loki wonders how that must have looked.

“It’s really good.” Loki commends.

“I’ll remember to pass on the kind sentiment to Jarvis,” Tony replies, his gaze lingering on Loki. “He was, however, a little worried you might be vegan or something.”

“Pescetarian.” Loki corrects.

Tony makes a mental note to Google that later.

“It means I can eat fish.” Loki explains.

Silence ensues for a little while, and naturally, the awkwardness is felt by both. Loki’s questions feel invasive, and he can’t figure out Tony’s endgame. He isn’t sure he wants to know.

“Hey,” Tony says, sounding more solemn than usual. He averts eye contact with Loki and he looks at Loki’s half eaten salmon instead. Loki sits up straighter, a frown forming on his forehead. “When you leave tonight,” He pauses for a millisecond and glances at Loki’s face. “Or maybe tomorrow morning, Google Howard Stark.”

“Who’s-”

“My father.”

“Why?”

“So you’d understand better.” This time, Tony looks at Loki fleetingly, before his gaze meets Loki’s fully, and for the first time, Loki sees Tony in pain. Dumbfounded and caught unaware, Loki stammers for a moment trying to find the right words, but he decides that it’d be better to do as Tony says and not go into the ‘why’ too much. Tony breaks eye contact with Loki and takes a large gulp of champagne.

“I’ll do it.” Loki assures.

Tony smiles again and Loki is reminded that he is smitten with this man.

Loki starts to smile flirtatiously, going over the words he was about to say. “What did you mean ‘tomorrow morning’?”

Tony laughs and turns his head to the side, before looking at Loki sideways. “I mean, hopefully.” Tony says before he leans across the table and kisses Loki full on the lips. This happens so fast that there is only a split second before Loki exclaims “Table!” and when Loki forgets about the stupid table entirely and closes his eyes, returning the kiss that has just fallen on his lips – literally.

Tony’s hands on both side of Loki’s face tighten, and he frowns into the kiss, giving it all he’s got. Loki isn’t sure how long Tony’s been holding out on this but he doesn’t care, because he’s been holding out on Tony so much too. Loki extends the tip of his tongue to Tony’s lips and Tony’s mouth opens almost automatically, and soon, Loki finds himself groaning into Tony’s mouth.

If Tony’s mouth wasn’t preoccupied with Loki’s mouth, he’d be swearing about how much he wants this. Instead, his lips half mouth the word against Loki’s and a strangled sound vibrates against Loki’s teeth. Tony climbs onto the table using only his legs and he now towers over Loki, and there’s a mutually ignored sound of Loki’s chair being dragged backwards slightly as Tony nears Loki. Tony is on his knees on the table, and he pulls Loki’s face up to his, and Loki’s hands travel from Tony’s hair to Tony’s back and soon, to the front of Tony’s pants. Tony moans as Loki breaks the kiss and he hears the distinct sound of his pants being unzipped, and the brief cold air that surrounds his now bare private parts and thighs before Loki’s warm mouth is on his dick.

Hungrily, Loki tries to take all of it in, and he is only encouraged by Tony’s many moans. Loki’s hands hold onto Tony’s ass tightly so that he could push Tony deeper into his mouth. Tony buckles and his hands rest on the portion of the table behind him, angling his dick even more into Loki, who now has kicked the chair to who-cares-where and is bending to suck Tony off. Loki bobs his head and uses his tongue to lick the length of Tony’s member as he continues it.

Tony’s eyes roll backwards in pleasure and the length of his body shivers slightly and they both know what’s coming. In this case – Tony. Loki plunges forward and takes all of Tony’s cock and creates a suction force and Tony ejaculates hard into Loki’s mouth, but Loki doesn’t stop going. He feels Tony’s dick at the back of his mouth and he licks the length of it before finally stopping. Loki quickly takes a drink of champagne to wash it down.

“Holy shit,” pants Tony. “Upstairs.” This time, it sounds more like an order. Tony gets down from the table kicks his pants and underwear off, and pulls Loki by the front of his button up towards him and into another kiss. He backs Loki into a wall towards the living room and slowly but forcefully unbuttons Loki’s shirt, before finally flinging it behind him. They don’t stop moving throughout all of this, and they start making their way up the stairs. Tony has one hand behind Loki and one on Loki’s bare chest, clawing at it like it might be gone the next moment. Loki’s foot stumbles over one step and he falls backwards, his fall broken just as his back grazes a step by Tony pulling Loki towards him. However, he lets Loki sit on the step a while longer and now Tony is on top of Loki, his hard and bare cock grinding against Loki’s fully clothed groin. Tony’s kiss trails from Loki’s mouth to his cheek, to his jawline, to his neck, and downwards while Tony fumbles with Loki’s belt. Loki is flushed red and he reaches for Tony’s hand at his pants.

“Upstairs.” Loki reminds him, his voice barely above a whisper. They get to their feet and they make their way up the stairs much faster than before, but they don’t let five seconds pass without some form of physical contact – usually a kiss, but Loki’s hand stroked Tony’s cock once. At the top of the stairs, Tony storms to a door and he presses a thumb against a glowing fingerprint detector, and Loki wastes no time in bringing Tony’s mouth to his again as he grabs Tony’s cock with his right hand and gives Tony a handjob in corkscrew motions.

“ _Fucking hell_.” Tony breathes into Loki’s mouth as he pushes the door open and throws Loki onto the bed. He walks towards Loki, who has taken his belt off, unbuttoning the top buttons of his own shirt before pulling off both Loki’s pants and underwear in a solid move. Tony climbs over Loki, leaving a bit of room between them and uses one hand to give Loki that handjob. Tony’s warm hard goes up and down Loki’s cock fast and Loki moans continuously and irresistibly. Tony kisses Loki’s neck as he feels the warmth of Loki’s body, and he sucks on Loki’s neck, determined to give Loki a hickey. He whispers drily into Loki’s ear.

“Tell me what you want me to do.”

“Take me.” Loki replies in between pants. “Now.” Loki turns over and before long, he feels Tony’s cock slide into his ass, at first slowly, but the momentum picks up, and soon Loki’s eyes are tearing with the sensation of this sex. Loki grabs the sheets around him and soon, he is biting on them as Tony hits the spot hard time after time.  Tony’s hands plant themselves on Loki’s hip and soon, Tony is giving it to Loki as fast as he can.

“I’m cumming, Loki.” Tony informs.

“Hold it.” Loki commands.

“I can’t-”

“Not until I say so.”

“Fuck. Okay.”

Tony continues to slip and out of Loki and he’s about to run out of all of his self-control.

“Harder.” Loki demands.

Tony’s hips hit Loki’s with more strength, and Tony is wishing with every bit of his being that that Loki would just say the word right now.

“Now!” Loki shouts.

They both ejaculate at the same time, and Tony collapses forward onto Loki’s back, feeling the leftover vibrations from Loki’s climax. They both lie there for a full minute, feeling nothing but pure satisfaction. Then Loki turns around and gets off of the bed and goes behind Tony, putting his hands around Tony’s waist and resting his head on Tony’s shoulder.

“Let’s take a shower.” Tony suggests.

Loki’s heart rate increases – but this time for fear. If they showered together, the layer of foundation would wash off of his self-harm scars and Tony would see… Tony would see him for him. If he was getting into a relationship with tony, he’d have to show him sooner or later.

“Yeah. Good idea.” He said to both Tony and himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot more ideas, but it seems like there aren't people who are that interested, so if that continues then there'll be one last chapter after this. I have enjoyed this very much.


	5. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The warning signs are all there, but will Loki trust his own judgement?
> 
> December 2012

Tony unbuttons the remaining buttons of his shirt and goes into the bathroom after Loki. He looks at the lean figure of the man he just had sex with.  Tony worked out, sure, but there’s something he sees in Loki that cannot be emulated. The pale, smooth skin of this man in front of him likened Loki to a God in Tony’s eyes.

Which is why Tony knew the last few hours with this man have to be cherished fully.

-

Loki grins at Tony as he sets his eyes on Tony’s torso for the first time. Loki knows that Tony has a very muscular build and tanned skin, which would have been the most telling signs of “Not British” to Loki if it weren’t for Tony’s American accent. What Loki didn’t know about was the circular tattoo on the centre Tony’s chest that had a strange, complex design.

“It’s a joke; a couple of college friends I had made fun of me for never getting into any relationship and I told them when I was half-drunk the only thing in my heart was science so an art student drew this,” Tony continues rambling as he points to his chest, “which is a project I gave up on because it was impossible, and they paid me like five hundred bucks to tattoo it so I did it.”

Loki laughs at the ridiculous nature of the story and he steps into the shower. Tony steps in after him and he turns on the water. Loki jumps a little at the sound of the water. Tony turns the dial to adjust the temperature, testing the water with his hand. The water droplets that ricochet onto Loki make Loki feel even more nervous, and he begins to squirm. He wriggles his toes and he clenches his fists.

“Are you okay with this?” Tony asks and holds the shower head in front of Loki.

Loki touches the water with his hand.

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“What’s wrong?” Tony asks, placing the shower head on the holder.

Loki says nothing, but steps into the water and looks at Tony; he exchanging his bashful gaze for Tony’s puzzled one. He looks down to his thigh and as the water runs over it, a layer of light beige concealer washes off, but still covers the redness.

Following Loki’s gaze, Tony looks down and sees the concealer wash off, but it doesn’t yet register with him what is going on. “Why’d you put make up on your thigh?”

Loki rubs at the spot and soon redness in the form of lines appears, and with every second, the scars got less and less hidden.

Realisation dawns on Tony and he looks at Loki with widened, shocked eyes. But Loki does not look at him. Instead, Loki looks downwards. Tony could have sworn that those were tears leaving Loki’s eyes but they were showering after all and it could have been just water. It isn’t until Loki’s nose turns pinkish that Tony knows for sure that Loki is crying, and Tony puts one hand on Loki’s left cheek to softly turn Loki’s head towards him.

“It’s okay.” Tony tells Loki. Tears continue to flow out of Loki’s eyes and Tony knows he isn’t convinced.

Tony brings his lips to meet Loki’s, but not like before. This time, he places his lips cautiously, softly, and he feels for once how soft Loki’s lips are, and his hand begins to discover Loki’s jawline. He simply places his lips on Loki’s for half a minute, as the water rains down the both of them. He pulls away, and Loki has stopped crying. Tony gets down on his knees, and Loki begins to protest, but stops when he feels Tony’s lips on his scars.

“It’s - going - to - be - okay.” Tony assures him between kisses.

“Thank you.” Loki replies.

Tony gets back up on his feet and he looks into Loki’s eyes. “Don’t do that to yourself.” He pleads.

Loki does not reply.

“Please.”

Loki gives the smallest nod.

Tony smiles, and Loki returns it. “Okay, _now_ we can take a shower.”

Loki laughs a little, and Tony reaches down for the shampoo and he dumps a handful onto Loki’s head, laughing. Loki reaches for a handful of shampoo too and he dumps it onto Tony’s head. They continue their bath like children, and before long, they’re each dodging loofahs and giggling. They get out of the bathroom with hair smelling like five different shampoos.

Tony searches around in his cupboard and he throws a T-Shirt and disposable underwear still in its packaging at Loki. They both get changed.

“Alice Cooper?” Loki asks, referencing the shirt.

“What’d you expect? Taylor Swift?” Tony replies.

Loki grins. For once he feels so happy, so amazing. For once everything in his life has fallen into place, and he has Tony Stark. He feels blissful.

“Do you have a pencil and paper?” Loki asks. If anything were to inspire him, it would have to be how he feels right now.

“Yeah sure, everywhere.” Tony opens the bedside drawer and hands Loki what he asked for.

“Thanks.” Loki says as he takes the items and goes down the stairs. He’d have a long time to be with Tony Stark, an hour or two designing won’t hurt.

“I’ll be here!” Tony calls after him.

Loki sits at the end of the dining table where they didn’t have sex and readies his pencil. He remembers the skirt from last week and sketches the lion emblem. He looks around, trying to get inspiration from around him. Unfortunately, he could not get that salmon in front of him out of his head – or his vision.

Loki’s back stiffens. He hadn’t considered..

He draws the outline of the skirt again. And this time, he labels it ‘rose gold, plastic’. He draws the shape of a varsity jacket and adds the same emblem to the back of it. Soon, he has created a new outfit. A plastic and rose gold varsity jacket with a lion emblem on its back, with a rose gold knee length pencil skirt of the same colour with a small slit of both sides (and no emblem), matched with a simple loose, white, cropped T-shirt. After a bit of thought, he adds a thick and wide rose gold bracelet. Eager to get back to Tony, he scribbles “Envy” at the top of this paper and puts it into the pocket of his own jacket. As he does this, the house phone rings softly. He ignores it, and he’s glad when it stops after a line. But soon, it is only replaced with a softer beeping.

“Beep. Beep. Beep. One New Message. Beep. Beep.”

He ignores it at first, hoping it’d go away, but the beeping is consistent. He starts to walk up the stairs, but he knows it’ll bug him for the whole night. Groaning, he turns around and walks towards the phone. If it were some private information, the caller wouldn’t have called the house phone anyway.

He picks up the receiver and presses the “Read messages” button.

“Master Stark, I have obtained the engines you asked for. I placed them in your workshop in the afternoon. Sorry for the call at the late hour, but I didn’t want to disrupt your dinner with your girlfriend.”

Loki puts the receiver back down and is stunned for a while. The word ‘girlfriend’ lingers in his mind. He walks up the stairs into the room and he sees that Tony is asleep. Well, it is 3 AM. He wonders if Tony had not yet come out even to the person who he lives with. He thinks about Tony’s college story, about Tony never getting into a relationship. About how Tony had basically tattooed the fact that his heart was for science on his chest. And suddenly, a pit in his stomach forms. He looks over to Tony and he tries to figure him out. All the secrets, all the ‘third date’ things. When he leaves in a few hours, will he ever see Tony again?

He shakes the thought off. Of course he will. He’s at Tony’s place for fuck’s sake.

He wriggles under the covers and rests his head on a pillow. The movement wakes Tony up. A little.

“Hey.” Tony greets, half asleep.

“Hey.”

“Goodnight..” Tony says as his voice trails off back into slumber.

“I love you.”

But Tony is already asleep. Loki lets his eyes trace Tony’s face, before he himself falls asleep.

-

Tony tries to breathe normally. He struggles to remember how he had breathed just a second ago, before those three words. He manages to fool Loki, but he cannot lie himself into oblivion. With every passing second, Loki was making it harder for Tony to leave him.

-

When sunshine falls on both their faces, Loki wakes up first. When he sits up, he realises where he is and looks to his right and breathes better.

Tony was still there.

Tony starts to squirm a little at the sunlight on his face.

“Good morning, Sunshine.”

Tony pulls the covers over his head.

Laughing, Loki gets off the bed and goes into the bathroom to use Tony’s mouthwash. He’d have to remember to buy a toothbrush to put at Tony’s. Once he’s done, Tony’s woken up and is standing behind him, waiting for his turn to use the sink. As Tony brushes his teeth, Loki pulls on the pants he wore yesterday.

Tony turns around and his gaze becomes much more alert when he sees Loki dressed in pants and the Alice Cooper T-Shirt. “Leaving already?” Tony asks, trying to keep his voice as normal as possible.

“Don’t be glum, if I’ll have my way, you’ll see me so much you’d be sick of me.”

“Not possible.” Tony retorts.

Tony puts on a clean pair of jeans and a T-Shirt, and follows Loki down.

“I have to properly pen down new designs I came up with yesterday while they’re still fresh in my head. I know I have something so good even The Enchantress will like it.” Loki explains.

“Don’t get your hopes up; The Enchantress obviously has little taste.”

Loki grabs his jacket and they both get into the car. As the car leaves the place, Loki looks around for some signage, trying to catch a street name. But it isn’t until they take a right that Loki sees a sign that reads “Fremont Avenue”.

It’ll do.

“You’ll see yourself on the cover of magazines, I’m sure of it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re amazing.”

“Thanks.” Loki replies. “Hey can I get your number?” Loki continues as he takes his phone out and selects “Add new contact”.

After a pause that Loki pretends not to notice, Tony says “Yeah. 212-757-2923”

“Done.” Loki announces.

“Yeap, we’re here.” Tony tells Loki.

Loki gets out of the car and walks around it to Tony’s side. Tony winds the window down. “Bye bye, Loki.”

“Bye Tony.” Loki smiles and bends to give Tony a peck on the mouth.

As he’s about to pull away, Tony lifts a hand to Loki’s neck and kisses him hard, with an intensity that Loki doesn’t understand. Finally, Tony pulls away. “Goodbye Loki.”

“Strange. Bye!” Loki says, but Tony does not drive off. In fact, Tony stays until Loki gets into his apartment, and then some. A tear rolls down Tony’s cheek.

-

Inside the apartment, Loki hears the sound of Tony’s car driving off and he takes his phone out to Google ‘Howard Stark’. He’d been very curious since Tony’s peculiar instruction. The search results come up. The first few are the most recent ones, but Loki decides to take a seat.

“Howard Stark Threatens to Stop U.S. Military Weapons Supply”

Loki clicks on that top result.

“Howard Stark, founder and CEO of Stark Industries, said that he will stop supplying the U.S. military with Stark Industries weapons if Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is repealed. In a press conference, Mr. Stark said “A place where homosexuals are allowed to practice their lifestyle openly is not a place Stark Industries will supply to.” ”

Loki stops for a moment. He goes back to the search results and clicks on the Howard Stark Wikipedia Page. Sure enough, under Personal life, it states that he has a son named Anthony Edward Stark.

Paranoid, Loki quickly dials the number Tony gave him. It rings a painful three times before someone picks up.

“Pepper Potts, who am I speaking to?”

Loki quickly ends the call. His head is spinning. He runs outside his apartment, but the car is nowhere in sight anymore. He goes back into the apartment, stumbling around, and eyes going everywhere. He feels betrayed, lost, confused. No tears come to his eyes. Something is wrong. He goes to the kitchen and opens the drawer. He stares at the penknife and then closes the drawer.

“Tony said you can’t..” He whispers to himself.

He goes to the liquor cabinet and he takes a bottle of vodka. He starts drinking it from the bottle itself. He has to be wrong, it can’t be right. Tony made a mistake in giving him the number – he should have checked at least once. Tony would come around tomorrow and it’ll all be fine. It’ll be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.

It has to be.

Loki feels himself getting drunker, and he takes another gulp of vodka.

God, it tastes terrible.

He puts the bottle down, but he is already roaring drunk, and getting drunker by the minute. He falls on his face on the bed, and he doesn’t wake up until the evening.

It takes Loki a full week for him to stop running outside every time a car parks on his street.

It takes him two weeks to realise that Tony Stark isn’t coming back.

It takes him a month before he can pick a pencil up again.

He’s still counting the number of days it will take to get over Tony.


	6. A Timeline in Articles

THE HUFFINGTON POST, 29TH JANURARY 2013 ISSUE

PRESIDENT OBAMA CHANGES STANCE ON “DON’T ASK DON’T TELL”

In the latest press conference, President Obama has decided not to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, a campaign in the military that states that gay men and women may serve in the military as long as they do not reveal their sexual preferences. However, only a mere five months ago, President Obama had stated his disapproval for the campaign.

“There is a time and place for everything. And currently, the security of the country must be put first.” President Obama says.

This comes shortly after Howard Stark had said that Stark Industries would cease supply to the United States military should Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell be repealed.

-

THE DAILY MAIL, 4TH FEBRUARY 2013

ANTHONY STARK SHOWS OFF ARM CANDY

The 25 year old son of Howard Stark, founder and CEO of Stark Industries has been spotted around London with various models on his arms. In the past month, Anthony has been spotted at various celebrity parties, including Karen Gillan’s birthday party, and at various nightclubs. Sources say that the young man often went to parties immaculately dressed and alone, but almost always left with one or two (and on one occasion, three) women.

-

THE NEW YORK TIMES, 9TH FEBRUARY 2013

POLL: SHOULD PRIVATE COMPANIES BE ALLOWED TO DICTATE GOVERNMENT POLICY?

RESULTS

YES – 23%

NO – 77%

-

THE WASHINGTON POST, 15TH FEBRUARY 2013

BACKLASH FROM GAY RIGHTS ACTIVISTS, OBAMA’S APPROVAL RATINGS PLUMMET

Due to a recent decision not to support the repeal of Don’t Ask , Don’t Tell by President Obama, his support from the gay community has fallen. This is the first time President Obama has made a decision against gay rights, which he stated that he strongly supported in his election campaign.

“My brother was looking forward to serving freely in the army, but now that dream is crushed.”

“When the government decides to side with an organisation over the people, the government fails.”

As a result, Obama’s ratings have dropped from a 48% approval and a 47% disapproval to a 44% approval and 49% disapproval.


	7. The Alchemy of Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alchemy  
> /'alkɪmi/  
> noun  
> the medieval forerunner of chemistry, concerned with the transmutation of matter, in particular with attempts to convert base metals into gold or find a universal elixir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March, 2013

There is a knock on the door. Loki stirs, but he does not get up. A few more knocks, louder and angrier, rain down on the door and echo through the hallway. Reluctantly, Loki sits up. As he does every time he wakes up, he stares at the article he taped to the wall about Tony titled ‘Anthony Stark Shows Off Arm Candy’.

“Tony Stark is gone.” He repeats to himself drearily. He makes himself say it every time he sees the article. He was thinking of taking it down, but then he had that dream. He no longer feels the ache in his heart as he says those words, nor does a single tear arise. He decided for himself that he was almost over Tony Stark.

It isn’t easy falling in love while depressed. Loki should know that very well. His previous relationship was broken off for the very reason. Yet, Loki let his emotions get the better of him. But he is determined to get back up. In fact, he is going to craft a couple more designs for his latest project in the works titled Sin. So far, the only designs are Pride and Envy, and those were inspired by Tony. No matter, they are good designs, and he is going to let them stay.

His hand is on the lock, halfway through exerting the pressure that would turn it when he hears a familiar voice.

“Loki, are you there?”

Loki stops breathing. He feels the numbness he had taught himself to feel start to lose its determination.

“Loki, please.”

The voice feels familiar; safe, even though it was the exact opposite.

 “I’m sorry.”

He turns the lock, knowing that the sound would alert Tony to his presence.

Loki steps back as he pulls the door open, and Tony falls to the floor in front of him. Loki instinctively drops to his knees and helps Tony up, putting one hand around his shoulder and supporting the obviously drunk Tony to the couch. He flings Tony onto the couch, not with anger, but with the knowledge that Tony probably wouldn’t feel it much and that he doesn’t have the strength to lower Tony down gently. He walks quickly back to the entrance and locks the door shut. He turns around, back against the wall, and looks at Tony.

Tony, now blacked out, is wearing the same jeans he wore when he first met Loki, and a black and wet T-Shirt under the leather biker jacket. He reeks of alcohol and his hair was in a horrible mess. This was completely different from the pictures of Tony he’d seen on the internet. He caught a glimpse of it, but he saved it for last. His eyes creep up to Tony’s face – and he wishes they hadn’t. Even in drunken sleep, Tony looks worn out. Loki feels the anger he sustained for Tony begin to dissipate, and he pulls his eyes off of Tony.

How did he get into this mess?

How did Tony get here?

Loki runs out the door and onto the sidewalk – or at least what was left of it. Tony’s car drove right onto the pavement and hence his car now covered half of it. Loki has no time to waste (his landlord wouldn’t be okay with this at all) and so he hopes for the best. He tries the car door and luckily, it is unlocked. The key is even still in the ignition. He thanks his lucky stars and the planets for learning how to drive as a teenager and reverses the car back onto the road and properly parallel parks it. He heaves a huge sigh of relief. The lights in his landlord’s apartment upstairs are still off, and they aren’t likely to have come on lately – it was 4 AM – so actually, Tony couldn’t have ruined his life again at a better hour of the day.

He rolls his eyes at the thought and exited the car, locking it, to deal with the bigger problem residing on his couch.

When he gets back in, Tony is sitting upright and Tony’s head perks up as Loki steps in.

“I went to properly park your car,” Loki says emotionlessly as he throws the car key at Tony, who misses the catch. The keys hit his chest and land on his lap.

“Thank you,” Tony replies, keeping the car key.

Loki stands there for a moment, drops his eyes and proceeds to walk back to his room.

Tony catches Loki’s hand as he passes by the couch.

“Wait, I came here to, I came here for a- a reason” Tony explains as gets to his feet, not with ease.

Loki turns to Tony, waiting for the explanation, even though every rational muscle in his body is twitching to leave.

“I missed you.” Tony breathed, his hands on Loki’s face, exploring every inch of inch. Loki closes his eyes, a tear falling onto his cheeks and onto Tony’s hand. Tony uses his thumb to wipe the tear away, and Loki finds himself in a place where heaven and hell coexist. He feels Tony’s hard lips on his mouth, and he doesn’t kiss back. He tastes the alcohol on Tony’s tongue, and more tears run down his face. The kiss feels like water after a long draught, and as Tony pulls away, Loki doesn’t give tangling his hands in Tony’s face and kissing Tony back a second thought. Then, they’re both rediscovering each other: hands under shirts and legs between legs. They don’t break the kiss as they continue. Soon, they lose knowledge of where one ends and the other begins – they’ve wrapped each other around themselves so tight and for so long.

When Loki pulls away from the kiss, it isn’t because he’s angry. His arms are still around Tony, and they rest their foreheads against each other’s, panting softly.

Tony rests his head on Loki’s shoulder, and moments later, Loki takes a few steps back to steady himself as the weight of Tony on his shoulder suddenly increased. Tony steadies himself, too.

“Sorry.” Tony says.

“It’s alright. We’ll talk in the morning.” Loki replies, and they head back to the bedroom. Tony falls asleep almost immediately, but Loki doesn’t. He lies down in bed, next to Tony, as he battled the senses. Should he trust his eyes, which still saw the evidence of Tony’s betrayal on his wall, or the taste of Tony on his tongue, that was living evidence of Tony’s return? He stood up, careful not to wake Tony, to pull the article off the wall and he put it in the nearest drawer. He gets back in bed and turns towards Tony. The time was already 5:30 AM, so the Sun would be coming up in perhaps an hour or two. He looks at Tony and he decides to learn his lesson. Tony would be leaving first thing in the morning, when he’s sober. Tony would regret all of this and drive away, and never return. Tony was not his, and was never his. And perhaps the most painful: Tony only came back because he was drunk. And against all his better judgement, he accepts this knowledge, and decides for some unfathomable reason to do everything he can to make Tony – or at least the memory of Tony – last as long as possible.

His fingers absentmindedly caress Tony’s calloused thumb. His eyes trace the outline of the man from the toes that were bare, uncovered by the quilt, up the silhouette of the thighs, the hipbone, the slight descent down the waist and the buildup to the toned shoulder. He shuts his eyes, feeling tears fill up behind the lids, and he swallows before he opens his eyes again to let them gaze, finally, at the lines and shapes that make up the face. He sees the tightening of the jaw and the ever so slight and quick deepening of his frown – indications that he was still in a dream. The stubble that had formed on his chin, cheek and upper lip, and the hairpin curve of his lips are enough to make Loki’s heart flutter bluntly, in the way you would when you know you were straining the last few moments of togetherness already. He lets his eyes focus on every minute detail in that face – the hairline, the light wrinkles, even the lines on the lips. But he can’t stare enough, because memory is ever such a faulty mechanism, and he knows that one day he would forget exactly how beautiful Tony Stark is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your support and waiting!


	8. Style

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes up to find that Tony is not in his bed anymore - and also the smell of eggs.
> 
> March, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this fanfiction is by no means popular compared to many other great pieces, but I've never had so much attention for any piece of work I've ever done and it makes me so happy that people actually like this. Your support is probably the main reason I'm so motivated to continue this story :)
> 
> Also, I couldn't decide between titles for this chapter so I went with Style. I love 1989 and I was listening to Style when I realised how much my take on Frostiron related to the song. Maybe you'll hear it and see what I mean.

Loki wakes up with a start. His right arm was numb and static from being slept on because he had evidently fallen asleep looking at Tony. And the memory of Tony is the only thing Loki has because now he faced an empty spot in the queen sized bed where Tony was. Disappointment floods him. He thought Tony would at least say goodbye. Well, once bitten, twice-

Is that the smell of eggs?

Loki flings himself off the bed and opens the bedroom door. Sure enough, there was Tony in nothing but jeans making scrambled eggs and humming the tune of Oh, You Pretty Things. Tony does a double take as he sees Loki.

“Oh, did I wake you up?” Tony asks as if it were the most normal thing, as if her had not just arrived drunk and desperate yesterday, and Loki shakes his head. “Good. I hope you don’t mind, we need some breakfast.”

“Not at all.” Loki replies, still in half-disbelief that Tony is here. He retreats to the bathroom, and gets ready, brushing his teeth, shaving, exchanging his sleepwear for black and white knee-length shorts and a black tee shirt. He easily finds the shirt Tony lent him the night of their third date – and last, and brings it to where Tony is.

“Just in time.” Tony informs, pulling out a chair for Loki as Loki passes him the shirt. Loki studies Tony’s expression, stricken by the uncharacteristic nature of Tony’s actions.

“You really want me to wear it? I thought you’d enjoy the view.” Tony teases. Loki returns him a polite smile. He cannot think of what else to do. There he is, with the man he was foolishly enamoured with, who also had abandoned him and broken his heart months ago, and instead of the complexity and tension that the situation demands, Tony is being perfectly simple and kind. Loki feels like the world around him has unnaturally ceased to be, like he was standing in a radius where the burning hot lava doesn’t touch.

Tony sighs and takes his seat.

“I know I’ve got a lot of explaining to do, and I will explain everything and fix it-”

“You left me.” Loki says in a voice that drips vengeance. He surprised himself with his words and tone. He didn’t know he had it in him to do this, but once he pushes over the first domino, he can’t stop the rest from falling down.

“I know but-”

“You left me with nothing but a shirt and a fake phone number. Not even a simple fucking goodbye.” Loki doesn’t look Tony in the eye, but Tony can see the rage building behind Loki’s eyes. Loki’s fists clenched tightly, his voice a little shaky.

“I’m sor-”

“ ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t fucking cut it!” Loki shouts, glaring at Tony. His voice then softens, but only in volume. “You can’t explain what you did. You can’t fix this.”

Tony doesn’t reply. He looks at Loki, mouth half open and eyes beginning to tear. No amount of words can justify breaking one person’s heart so many times in the span of a few months, and Tony, with all snark and ways, cannot find a single one to stop the next word that would escape Loki’s lips.

“Leave.” Loki whispers, dropping his gaze.

“Please.”

“Leave.” Loki repeats louder.

Tony remained in his seat.

Loki stands up so fast, his chair falls backwards. It almost feels like a separate entity altogether has taken over his body to carry out these actions. There is something in him so strong it compelled him to do exactly the opposite of what he wanted to do.He storms over to Tony and grabs his forearm. Something in him knows he can’t get hurt again – it might just be the end of him.

“I want you to go. Now.”

Tony stands, but he doesn’t obey. He pulls Loki in for a hug, and Loki resists Tony, pushing him away. He feels the barricades he’s drawn up for himself start to melt, and with the force he is exerting against Tony, he is trying to build them back up again. But they did not listen. He feels the barricades start to disappear, and an onslaught of tears from behind them.

“I can’t lose you again.” Tony admits, his voice wet with his tears.

“You knew exactly where to find me. You didn’t lose me, I lost you.” Loki said softly. Perhaps it is the small bout of anger that reappeared shortly because he knows the words he says are true, and  he pushes Tony so hard  that Tony almost falls backwards.

“I’m sorry, that’s all I can say.” Tony begs, inching towards Loki, who now had tears streaming down his face.

Loki backs into a chair and buries his head in his hands, teeth clenched to suppress the scream he had in his throat. Tony stands close, but he’s crying too.

“I hate you.” Loki says softly, but the truth in his voice stabbed Tony like a spear in his chest.

“That’s okay.” Tony responds, masking his voice from any hurt he feels and sitting down next to Loki and putting his arms around him. Loki doesn’t resist. He knows that he doesn’t deserve anything of pity, that he doesn’t deserve Loki and the arms around Loki right now should be set ablaze just for the gall to hug Loki after what he’s done. The pain in his chest multiplied with the realisation that Loki may never love him back again. Tony certainly had gone far enough, had hurt far enough for Loki’s heart to be entirely sealed off from him, and although he wishes it weren’t the case, he knows it is more than probable, and if anything, backed up by the fact Loki ordered him to leave. He is just too much of a coward to face his consequences. “That’s okay.” Tony repeats, but this time, to himself.

After a few minutes, Loki slowly puts his arms around Tony, hugging him back. Tony drew in a quick breath. What this means, neither truly knows in totality, but for Tony, he doesn’t give less of a fuck about that. He only cares that now there is a glimmer of hope that Loki Laufeyson might still be his. Loki doesn’t strengthen his embrace, and he tries not to think too much about why he did it, because that would be admitting to himself that he was still in love with Tony Stark, and he isn’t ready to accept that, especially since he’d never been in Tony’s presence for more than twelve hours at a time.

Loki withdraws his arms from around Tony and he goes back to the dining table to sit down, starting on the breakfast Tony prepared. Taking Loki’s cue, Tony did the same. That breakfast passed in a soft silence that neither minded. Both were filling it with thoughts upon thoughts, and also efforts to not think about some thoughts. But in that moment, both of them are comforted by the fact that part of them that had hungered for months for the presence of each other was not eating away at them anymore.

-

Once Tony had finished washing the dishes, he decides to head to the shower. It’s been some time, and a faint smell of alcohol was still following him around. Loki is sitting on the couch, scrolling through something on his phone with a vacant look on his face.

“Want to shower with me?” Tony asks earnestly. There is no hint of lust or demand in his tone; it was as simple as an invitation.

“I’ll pass.” Loki replies, not looking up. Like Tony’s, there is no trace of malice or resentment in his voice.

“Kay.” Tony says as he heads to the shower.

Loki hears the water begin to run, and Tony’s small yelp of shock due to the heat or coldness of the water that echoed against the bathroom walls. Loki smiles to himself. Evidently regaining his composure, Tony raises his volume and says: “The invitation is still open!”

Loki doesn’t stir. Well, for about two seconds. Then, Loki rolls his eyes, tosses his phone onto the couch and starts to take off his shirt as he walks to the shower.

The bathroom doors slide open to reveal a half-naked Loki, and Tony breaks into a grin that immediately does two things. One: make Loki very glad that he had chosen to join in the shower, and two: erase any doubts Loki had still been harbouring about whether to join Tony. He had already unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, so he only had to pull them and his underwear off before he stepped into the warm shower with Tony.

“How’ve you been?” Loki asks genuinely.

“Fine, fine.” Tony starts, “Things with my father haven’t been going all that well. You’ve probably heard some of his bullshit on the news.”

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” Loki confirms.

“Right. Well, a lot of the reason I left you behind,” Tony says and Loki flinches, “was because I didn’t want to lead you on any further into something that couldn’t happen in this world, no matter how much I wanted it to.”

Loki’s gaze grazes the floor in thought. He doesn’t have parents, so the thought that Tony’s father’s opinion was a factor in Tony’s love life hadn’t really struck him until now.

“Your dad doesn’t know.” Loki states.

“Not a clue that someone who shares his bloodline might be gay,” Tony elaborates.

“So why’d you come back?” Loki asks cautiously, half hoping Tony wouldn’t hear the question.

“The day of the night that I came back, I got into an argument with my dad over whether I should continue my research on the miniaturisation of the arc reactor. It’s this thing,” Tony says as he points to the tattoo on his chest in an attempt to explain, “Anyway, he argued that I should divert my attention to something else that I can’t tell you about. But I insisted that I had found something new, something that would make the miniaturised arc reactor _possible_. The conversation ended with him storming and telling me that I could do whatever the hell I want.” Tony raised his gaze to Loki. “So I decided to come to you. With a bit of convincing and motivation from a few bottles.”

Loki nods in reply, sympathetic for the relationship Tony had with his father. Tony’s thumb grazes Loki’s thigh softly, examining the scars, but careful not to hurt Loki.

“I’m sorry,” Tony says.

“I didn’t do it when you first left. If I had, I might not even be alive right now.” Loki offered a soft chuckle. His amusement was not shared by Tony, who is frowning. Loki’s voice drops. “I didn’t hurt myself for two weeks after you left. I wasn’t sure if you would return.”

The words hurt Tony way worse than Tony was prepared for. He never really understood depression or self-harm. He’d never had to resort to those tactics. But he knew enough and read enough to know how much it had to hurt Loki, and how difficult it must have been, and how he hadn’t stopped Loki from falling deeper by leaving – he’d only worsened Loki’s condition.

Tony closes his eyes and leans towards Loki. Before Loki feels Tony’s lips against his, he closes his eyes, and he feels how first the slight pucker was felt first by the front of his lips, and then Tony’s lips matched Loki’s. Tony’s kiss was soft, almost apologetic. Loki presses his lips back, exacting the slight pressure that Tony was using. The simple kiss lasted for no more than ten seconds, but the ethereal quality of the kiss made it seem like it was timeless. And as Tony leans away slowly from Loki, Loki feels Tony’s lips parting with his own like a whisper. Then, for once in months- no, _years_ – everything seems in balance; right. Everything is okay.

Everything is okay.


	9. Wrath Part 1 (Loki)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Loki wakes up again to find no Tony in his bed, it sends him to an uncalled for frenzy. Will Loki ever be able to trust Tony? Will mental illness ruin the relationship? Will Tony ever learn to love Loki?
> 
> March, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: Trigger warning for anxiety and self harm, and to a smaller extent, depression. Hopefully this chapter will provide some insight into how Loki feels when he is hit by an anxiety attack in full force. 
> 
> For those who suffer from mental illness still, I hope this will not affect you too negatively. If you're worried about being triggered, email me at zoetwj@gmail.com and I will explain to you what happens in this chapter without any triggering language. 
> 
> For those who have recovered from mental illness, I'm proud of you. If this was not how you experienced your anxiety, rest assured that I am not making any wild assumptions or giving anxiety a false front, because this is almost exactly how I experienced mine. Almost because I can't remember everything during, but it's happened so often that I could pick up bits and pieces. Don't worry - I'm recovered.
> 
> For those who've never experienced mental illness, this could paint a little picture for you about what it's like, but do not take my words only. Everyone experiences it differently.
> 
> Okay, enough rambling from me, onto the story then :)

Loki’s will and restraint are all but gone. He rests now on Tony’s chest, his head buried snugly into Tony’s neck. Tony’s arm drapes over Loki’s body, their hands intertwined. Their legs are entangled together, and none of them says a word. They didn’t have to – the pace of each other’s breathing is exactly the same and as their fingers continue their little dance with each other, both of them felt like the happiest person on Earth.

Loki spares no thought for the doubts and indecision that plagued his mind only days ago, because Tony has been living with him for three days now. If Tony wants to take off again, he would already have done so. Instead, neither of them even left the house. Why would they? All the food they need is just a call and an hour away, and everything else material or otherwise are completely inconsequential in comparison.

They have not had sex once. The truth is that the need never arose. Everything up till now has been blissful, uneventful, quiet, and peaceful.

But it, of course, has to end.

-

“I need to head out for a few hours tomorrow.” Tony tells Loki as they face each other in bed.

“Why?”

“Business. I currently do work in Stark Industries for my dad in the research sector, though I’ve probably done enough to keep them quiet for a few weeks.”

“Okay.” Loki replies quietly. He closes his eyes softly. “Goodnight, my love.”

“Goodnight babe.”

They both drift into deep slumber, and then they become the poster picture for bliss.

-

“Tony?” Loki asks, half-asleep and confused. But confusion is a way better alternative to the mindlessness that replaces it, even if that state only lasted for a second too. Loki sinks back into the bed, unknowingly having risen in shock, when he remembers the sleepy words Tony said the night before. He took quick and shallow breaths then, trying to even out his breathing. He sits up and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, the grainy and dry feeling on his tongue too much to bear. Then, he pulls down his shorts and aims at the toilet bowl. There is something oddly peaceful and relaxing Loki finds in the act. Perhaps it is because he longs for nothing more than a constant, which was also why his favourite drink was water and why he loves breathing and why he loves showers – they were all things one cannot live without. He knows he longs to find this same constant in Tony, that his affections could be returned and he wouldn’t have to go without another part of his life again. But he also knows that life had a way of bringing up the exact things one fears the most, or in his case, taking away.

He pulls his shorts back up and pulls on a pair of jeans he’d thrown onto the towel rack, not bothering to button or zip it up. He flushes and then washes his hands, wiping some of that residual water onto his face in an attempt to freshen up that bit more.

He was no stranger to bad eating habits, very obvious from his more-than-lean figure, and so he took a pack of Lays chips from the shelves and ran some tap water into a cup, before settling down on the couch and starting on his terrible breakfast. He starts shuffle on his phone, before greasing his hand with the chips.

Bad choice.

He now had no way of changing the song unless he wanted to oil his phone up or washing his hands, then returning. He is too disgusted by the first option and too lazy for the second, so he just bears with the annoying Barbie Girl that now played from his phone, making a mental note to delete that song once he has the chance. He wonders why he did not do that very thing once he stopped needing the song. Designers like Loki oftentimes needed some motivation and mood for designs, though those that he did rushing for time were never good by any standards. Then again, it was a livelihood and a good start for his career, working for various low end fashion companies who care no more about the fashion except that it would be bought. The line he did for Barbie’s Little Princess line was one of the more painful ones.

When the song finally faded into the next, he had already finished his chips and so he downs the water before heading to the sink, hearing the familiar tune of Northern Downpour by Panic! At The Disco start to play in the background, as if his phone was trying to make up for the terrible first choice of song.

But the song strikes a chord in him, sending small tugging sensations at his heart, making him suddenly aware of the capability of his eyes to tear, though none come. He stayed away from music after the height of his depression, since he listened to many songs in sometimes successful attempts to calm himself down, and thus these songs bring back painful memories. When he was sat with his back against the wall; when tears rolled down as if they had no end of supply; when he first discovered that pain could make things go away; when he first knows that he can never have Thor. He walks briskly to his phone and turns the music off, the memories suddenly not so dull anymore. He shouldn’t really be alone, so he glances at the clock with slightly glassy eyes. It was only 11 AM. He suddenly regrets not asking Tony about where he was going or more importantly - when he'd get back.

That is when he realisation struck him that it is not a 'when' but an 'if'. Tony was no stranger to making himself disappear, anyway. Loki's heartrate increased starkly and he felt the telltale uncontrollability of an anxiety attack. This should not be that much of a epiphany to him, and he is possibly, probably overreacting but all these thoughts do not rationalise him; at that moment he cannot even think those thoughts. Instead, he feels the strong desire to kick everything in sight, to pull off his hands because they want to scratch his skin off. The anxiety attack is now full blown and he drops to the floor. As he predicted, his skin feels disposable and his fingernails dug into his stomach, conscious enough only to place his fingers somewhere that could be easily covered by a shirt. The pain shoots through, and he can visualise the skin giving way, though not even for blood to flow, and the red, swollen marks in the shape of eight lines in two different directions start to form.

It is not enough. When he releases his stomach from the torture device that was his hands, he is gratified with the sensations of pain that the presence of his fingers still pressured into the skin before numbed. Then, he grabs a pillow from the couch and he presses it into his face and screams into it until his lungs truly run out of air, and then to punish his body into relaxation even more, he holds his breath. His legs give the last few kicks into the air in front of him before he feels the anxiety leave his mind, his eyes, his fingertips and his toes. He stays on the floor, tears that he didn't know were there flowing down sides of his face. He feels the breaths restoring his lungs and the warmth of the red marks on his stomach evaporating into the air. He stays on the floor until he falls asleep.

Invariably, when he came to, he'd realise how stupid his actions were and he'd know that the marks would be there for at least a full week, and that it wasn't Tony's fault that he did not know how to love Loki. Loki himself did not know how to love Loki. How could he expect someone else to be able to? And that was when he fully realised it. He cannot. He'd have to clean up this mess before anyone sees it, just like how he lives his life. But that would not happen, because then, Loki is awakened by the turning of a key at the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, Wrath, will be told in two parts. The first from Loki's perspective and the second from Tony's.


	10. Wrath Part 2 (Tony)

Tony reaches into his pocket and retrieves the key he had borrowed from Loki earlier this morning. He couldn’t bear to wake him up – Loki looked so serene and peaceful. He turns the key into the lock and hears that satisfying turn of the lock. He pushes the door open.

The world stops for a moment. Tony loses his train of thought – whatever it was, and throws all his items onto the couch recklessly, before kneeling down beside Loki.

“Please be alive, Loki, please, please, fuck, oh, my god- thank god.” Tony stammers out, until Loki’s eyes flickered open and stared at him tiredly, before the eyelids close again.

“Let’s get you to the bed.” Tony says, though he’s half certain Loki didn’t hear it. He places both arms underneath Loki’s body, one under the higher part of the back and under the thigh, and lifts the taller man up with greater ease than he’d preferred.

Loki is set down on the bed very softly, his eyes blinking open and close slowly, but still looking too tired to talk. Tony lies down beside him, his heart aching to see Loki in this state. Worse yet – he doesn’t know how Loki even got into it, but with Loki’s track record of self-abuse..

“Do.. Do I call the ambulance?” Tony stammers out.

Relief rushes into Tony’s body like walking into the sunlight after being stuck in an air conditioned room for hours when Loki’s mouth twitches to smile.

“Not necessary.” Loki breathes out.

Is it inappropriate that that looks _really_ sexy? Tony feels a bit of blood threatening to flow downwards, but hastily reminds himself that just minutes ago, Loki looked like death. He subconsciously licks his lips and then retracts his tongue halfway, realising what he just did. Luckily, Loki is oblivious to it, his eyes closed in the most relaxed way Tony’s seen. Tony feels a small gush of air escape him as he marvels at Loki’s beauty.

Well, okay, there is no denying it. The reason he even paid any attention to the designer in the first place was because that designer happened to look hot as hell. I mean, could you blame Tony? The man was wearing pants that showed his bulge in a way that somehow managed to be both vulgar and classy. And _god_ , when he sat down-

But there’d been more to the man than looks, he soon found out. Physical attraction had quickly developed into something more, something both foreign and intriguing for Tony. And once Tony figured out that it was _emotional_ attraction, he knew he had to get out of there pronto. Yet when he had tried to slip away, Loki asked him out, and really, the way _those cheekbones and that neck moved when he talked_. It was hard to say no.

Tony had used the ‘third date’ line whenever the conversation got somewhere too personal, or even when it got to anywhere Tony didn’t want to talk about mainly because Anthony Edward Stark does not _do_ third dates. His romantic history consists of one night stands and maybe there’d be a date before that. A second date was too rare and maybe only happened once or twice when he absolutely had to go back for seconds. A third date was unheard of. And yet, here he was, lying beside Loki Laufeyson long after that third date.

Tony cups Loki’s face with his hands, and plants a kiss that was far from forceful, yet not quite gentle either. Loki’s eyes open once Tony pulls away and looks at Tony with eyes both sorrowful and understanding, his eyes soft and gaze lingering. It says to Tony that Loki got his message. Even so, Tony decides to vocalise it.

“I was so scared of losing you.” Tony whispers, even though there is no one else around. Surprising even himself, he feels a small build-up of tears.

“I’m here.” Loki whispers back. He attempts to sit up, but instinctively hisses when he remembers the pain on his stomach. Tony’s head jerks towards that very area.

“Show me.” Tony says, fear lacing the demand.

Tentatively, Loki rolls his shirt upwards, and visibly relaxes when the cold air surrounds the hot, angry marks, and then tenses up again when he sees Tony’s expression.

Whatever expression he is making, Tony cannot tell, he only feels the surge of worry; of shock; of incomprehension – and even of betrayal. The words he has to say dance in his mouth, his lips quivering with the sheer amount of it. He raises a hand that nears the angry red lines but retracts them before they reach their destination.

“How could you do this to yourself?” Tony demands, pulling his eyes away from the stomach and meeting Loki’s eyes that filled with surprise. He holds back another line of words he also wanted to ask. _How could you do this to me?_

“I had an anxiety attack.” Loki explains, but that is far from acceptable for Tony.

“So that gave you the license to endanger your own safety.” Tony deduces coldly.

“No, but I’m not exactly in the best frame of mind when I’m-”

“Save it.” Tony interrupts. Every line Loki said simply makes Tony more furious. Nothing could ever justify hurting yourself. It just was reckless, thoughtless, and _selfish_ even. Plainly idiotic.

Tony sits up straight in the bed, distancing himself slightly from Loki.

“I thought you’d be smart.” Tony says quietly. Even though Loki isn’t looking at Tony directly, Tony can see the redness of the nose and the tear that formed a coin-sized puddle on the sheets.

“You don’t understand.” Loki begs.

“Yeah. I don’t.” Tony replies coldly.

More tears drop down from Loki’s face.

Somehow, Tony feels them melting his anger. He feels the drain of his anger and suddenly, he is in a room with a crying lover and he is doing nothing about it. Wow, okay, time to rectify that.

He presses a kiss to Loki’s cheek, making Loki stiffen a little and also tasting some of those tears. Loki turns to him and looks lost and bewildered, and Tony feels a surge of guilt.

“I’m sorry.” Tony breathes. It should have been a difficult thing to apologise (people around Tony knew that too well) but with Loki, it feels kind of safe.

Loki doesn’t reply, and instead drops his gaze to the bed.

Tony puts his arms around Loki, locking the embrace by each hand grabbing onto the other forearm. He is so close to Loki now he can smell Loki’s shampoo; can feel his warmth.

Suddenly Loki breaks the embrace and jumps out of the bed. Tony wonders for a moment what exactly he had done wrong when Loki flashes him a strange smile, his eyes slightly crazed. Or perhaps that was just the crying.

“Be back in about an hour.” Loki says as he walks away.

Tony ponders over where Loki can possibly go dressed like that when Loki simply plops down into a chair at the dining table and starts sketching.

Oh, right. He is dating a designer. Tony sighs and rests his hands behind his head lying on a pillow. He turns to Loki. He’d never seen Loki at work before, and is a little intrigued. He cranes his neck for a better view, but it’s just a little too far.

Loki looks upwards, perhaps sensing the heat of Tony’s gaze. Loki twists to face Tony.

“You can come join me here if you’d like.” Loki informs.

Tony doesn’t need to be asked twice. He walked into the living room cum dining room and sat down on a sofa, watching Loki touch a colour pencil, then lift his finger with the softest grace and touch another. Loki crumples a piece of paper into a ball and throws it further down the table, before starting on a new paper. It is very different from Tony’s inventing, Tony realises. Though they are both essentially creating something, inventing lacks a grace and quiet that comes from designing. Or at least what he can tell from sitting in on one session. Although the discarding part was quite familiar.

After a few glasses of water (seriously, he had to take Loki for a trip to the grocery store sometime) and about two hours, Tony sees Loki lean back in his chair.

“Done.” Loki announces.

Tony almost falls of the couch as he gets up, and then takes a few steps to look at the design. He holds his breath. The sight is a lot to take in, so Tony decided to start from the top. A title read: Wrath. His eyes scan the outfit. It starts at the neck, where a red faux leather spiked choker is, and then the shoulders are bare, only then revealing the crimson red strapless dress. The asymmetrical dress is most identifiable by the way many folds of the red faux leather descend from the top left to the bottom right. They had varying colours of red, the red darkening halfway through and then lightening a little. The top of these folds look sharp - in fact, they resemble claw marks. This ended at the waist, where a wet look black skater skirt starts, and then ends halfway to the knees. The very long red faux leather boots with black platforms then starts slightly above the knees.

“It’s amazing.” Tony manages.

Loki purses his lips, before he adds a few red and black gloves to the outfit. They are small gloves that edged inwards at the hem to reveal half the palm, although they did do their job of covering the fingers completely.

Somehow, it looks better than it already did.

“Wrath.” Tony breathes, as if he realised something.

Loki keeps silent, knowing that Tony knows the inspiration for the piece.

“Fuck, I love y-” Tony says quickly, still admiring the outfit before he catches himself, “this.” He continues without any hesitation. Hopefully Loki hadn’t caught the sound of the ‘y’.

“Thank you.” Loki responds, showing no sign of hearing what Tony almost said in full. Then, Loki slides it into a folder without a name and turns to Tony. He reaches a hand around Tony’s neck and pulls Tony in to meet his own lips. He kisses hungrily, sucking onto Tony’s tongue teasingly, Tony matching him for every movement. Tony breaks away from the kiss with a gasp, having forgotten to breathe during.

“Okay, yeah, let’s do more of that. Now.” Tony almost demands.

Loki’s breathing is audible, and his eyes look at Tony filthily, the pupils dilated in lust. He offers no verbal consent, but he stands and follows Tony to the bedroom.


	11. A Promise (To Whom?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mainly smut.. with a few very important points closer to the end.
> 
> March, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always stressed how difficult it is loving someone who has a mental illness, but I cannot stress it enough.

The half open door of the bedroom is the start of a short trail of clothing. An Alice Cooper T-shirt lies unimpressively on the ground, then followed by a plain black shirt. The path leads right to a bed, where Loki and Tony have their bodies intertwined. Whatever reason Loki had for starting all this he couldn't care less about, he only concentrated on wishing so hard that one of Tony's hands currently making his already warm neck hotter would just travel downwards. Their lips remain plastered to each other's for so long they can't remember when it began, so long that they stopped stopping to breathe a mile back and now are simply breathing each other in, taking breaths whenever they need to. Tony has one hand supporting his weight above Loki and the other on Loki's neck. Loki's hands are taking the opportunity that the space between Tony and Loki provides and they work at undoing Tony's pants. Loki can't resist, once the zip goes down, he slides a hand into the pants and over the underwear to feel the hard buldge. Tony moans filthily against Loki's lips and Loki smiles against the kiss, withdrawing his hand and using both of them to forcibly pull Tony down to him. Tony lands with a small thud and is pretty sure Loki's teeth hurt at least a little from the impact, but Loki is showing no signs of it. In fact, Loki grinds upwards into Tony's hips and continues the very wet kiss. He feels Tony's warm hands then curling up around the top of his own pair of pants, crumpling it, determined to leave a mark.

Tony pulls away from the kiss and stares into Loki's hungry, desperate eyes. Loki's pupils are blown and his mouth is redder and wetter than usual, and Tony swears Loki is so hot right now you could almost see the steam radiating off him. Short breathes enter and leave Loki's mouth for about two seconds, which is apparently how long Loki takes to recover because them Loki is sitting up, cupping his hands to Tony's face and kissing him hard again. But once again, Tony pulls away and this time, a frown forms on Loki's face. Loki's eyes darted from one of Tony's to the other, searching for some kind of explanation. He is still panting, and Tony focuses very hard on that when he gets off the bed and standing, slides his jeans and underwear down in one solid movement. Understanding floods Loki's face for a moment, then lust takes over again. He lurches forward, and before Tony has the chance to climb back onto the bed with a very erect penis, Loki's takes Tony's cock in his mouth. Tony releases a high pitched moan of both complete arousal and shock while his hands instinctively find their way into Loki's jet black hair.

Loki's hands find support on Tony's ass, which has been tightened in hopes of better dealing with the orgasmic sensations he feels. Loki hollows out his cheeks and continues to bob his head in and out, in and out.

"Fuck!" Tony exclaims, when Loki pulls out almost all the way and then dives back in. Loki even has the nerve to turn his head slightly to the right and smile up at Tony with Tony's dick still in his mouth.

It's the hottest thing Tony has ever seen, hands down.

Or at least, he thinks, until Loki moans while Tony is still in his mouth, and the vibrations stay for longer than they should. Tony grabs onto Loki's hair tighter and his knees buckle ever so slightly, and Loki takes absolutely all of Tony into his warm mouth and doesn't pull away until the hit liquid stops flowing into the back of Loki's throat.

Loki sits up straight and wipes a hand across his face to smear some of the ejaculation that didn't quite stay in Loki's mouth. He smiles mischievously at Tony and his eyes still twinkle with lust. He stands up and pushes Tony back onto the bed. Tony spreads his legs, too certain and ready for what would follow, but Loki only smiles more and shakes his head.

"Sit back," Loki jerks his head towards the back of the bed, then focuses his attention fully onto Tony again. "And _watch_."

Tony almost gets fully erect again simply from those few words.

Loki drops his pants and underwear to reveal an erection so hard it had to be painful. He leans backwards against the wall and puts his right hand around his cock. He squeezes once slightly, with only the objective of teasing Tony. It works.

Loki's right hand starts to move outwards and inwards and precum starts to leak. Loki closes his eyes and arches his back in a position that Tony could only call the best thing he's ever seen. The hand gets faster and firmer, and the red sex flush spreads out across Loki's pale white chest in large pink spots. It even evens out a little bit of the red lines that made themselves very visible after Loki scratched them there. Loki mews, but he isn't the least bit embarrassed, if the shot of ejaculation the next moment is any indication. Loki pants, and the layer of sweat looks only too good on Loki. Especially when Loki opens his eyes very slowly and looks right at Tony, filthy and satisfied at the same time.

Tony very consciously swallows deeply and closes his mouth. This is a side of Loki he has never seen before. Sure, they've had sex. But this Loki is without boundaries; without limitations. This Loki didn't even care that Tony saw his scars. I mean, of course Loki shouldn't care - it's someone he trusts and there's nothing to be ashamed of in scars but this in contrast to how Loki was when he first showed Tony the thigh scars? Something seems off. Something was just not right.

Loki has walked over and he now bends down to Tony's face and kisses Tony fully and thoroughly, hands around Tony's face and all. Tony kisses back, all too willingly. When Loki pulls away and heads into the kitchen naked, Tony has forgotten everything he thought about previously and now simply thinks that everything is perfect.

Tony watches as Loki walks into the kitchen and takes a long gulp of water from a mug he'd just filled with tap water.

 _He's mine. He's mine and mine alone. And I love him. I love Loki Laufeyson_.

"Want a drink?" Loki asks, his voice unexpectedly gentle.

"Yeah." Tony replies, slightly dumbfounded. He cannot keep up with Loki.

"Here." Loki passes Tony a yellow mug with water almost filled the brim.

"Thanks." Tony finished half of it.

Once he places the mug on the bedside table, Loki puts his head on Tony's shoulder. Tony puts his arms around Loki and he leans backwards, guiding Loki's head to his chest instead. They land very softly on the bed and Loki adjusts himself to draw him closer to Tony. And though neither of them are used to sleeping so early, the sex helped a lot and they falls easily into slumber.

Tony's eyes flutter open slightly to the sight of darkness outside the window and a wet kind of feeling on his chest.

Is that the sound of sniffling?

"Shit," Tony swears, sitting upright and pulling Loki close to his chest, the tears rolling to the bed as he does. Loki's swollen eyes do not meet his gaze and there is a look of defeat or resignation on Loki's features. Tony can't decipher it and so he just hugs Loki tighter.

"Everything will be fine." Tony assures.

But Tony is almost certain he only made Loki cry harder. This is strange, it's ridiculous, it's.. It's Loki. This is what he loves. No, _who_.

"Promise." Loki breathes. It's a simple request for an unforeseeable promise.

Tony pauses. He can't. He mustn't. He can't be sure that he could even make it okay. How would he even know what the future will-

"I promise." Tony says, conviction in his voice and yet uncertainty in his face.

Loki nods into Tony's chest and he falls asleep again. Tony doesn't.


	12. Shoot to Kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony gets a little more committed, Loki gets a little more strange, and they may or may not end up together.
> 
> April 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst??!

Loki's fingers are clasped onto a board or a bridge of some sort, and something is sucking him backwards. He tries so hard to hold on but with every second, he gets pulled back into the threatening and unknown darkness. His fingers get numb and white with the force he exerts, and there is no one to save him. He cannot do it anymore. He cannot. It would only be a matter of time.

And with that, he lets go. The tears in his eyes are insignificant now as he falls back and back into a..

A bed? He wakes up to find that he has been dreaming, but the dream is still too vivid. He wakes up to the sensation of wetness of his own sweat on his skin, the pain of the healing scars on his stomach, to the man he'd bedded and to the still-overwhelming tremors of the dream. Are these tears on his face? He can't remember most of it anymore, just that he had tried very hard to hold onto something.

"Shit." Loki hears Tony say and something in Loki breaks more. Loki tries very hard not to figure out what it is.

 

* * *

 

When Loki finally wakes up from a sleep uninterrupted by dreams or nightmares, it is noon. He lifts his head up in mild shock, wondering how so much time could have passed so fast.

"Finally awake, Sleeping Beauty?" Tony teases, still pinned down by Loki. Loki turns to him and looks down, only now realising that he's been preventing Tony from leaving by sleeping on him. Loki gets up with a start and Tony chuckles.

"Sorry." Loki says, sitting upright on the bed.

"No worries. I kind of enjoyed the view anyway." Tony reveals. Loki's gaze travels slowly to Tony's bare groin and sees his semi-erect penis. It hits Loki that his lying on Tony must have made that erection painful. Loki's lips form a tight line.

Tony gets up from the bed and heads into the shower quickly. Loki follows him in without and invitation.

"Sorry, babe. Not this time." Tony squeezes a copious amount of shampoo into his hand and massages it into his hair. "I would have woken you up if you'd taken another ten minutes, really." Tony squeezes some body wash into his palm and does a terrible job of spreading it across all of his skin. "I have a meeting to get to and I can't be the there smelling like sex."

Loki rolls his eyes and leans the side of his body against the open door.

"What will you wear?" Loki asks. Tony has already stepped out of the shower and is probably removing three layers of skin with the force he's using to dry himself off with a towel.

"Fuck. Could you run to my car and get the brown suitcase?" Tony swears.

Loki nods and starts a light jog towards the street, picking up Tony's car keys on the way out. He opens the boot and easily finds the suitcase. There's nothing else in there.

When he gets back to Tony, Tony's already in his underwear and in the middle of blow drying his hair.

"Lifesaver." Tony says as he grabs the suitcase, unlocks it with a four digit code, and opens it to reveal a navy blue suit, complete with a white collared shirt, belt and striped tie. There's even leather shoes and socks.

Suffice to say, Loki has questions. He starts off with "Do you keep a suit, just, in your car?". Wow, does Tony do things fast. He's already in everything except the jacket.

"Pepper's idea, really. Bless her, she's a genius." Tony explains.

Pepper.

"Pepper?"

"Oh, my assistant. When dear daddy dies and I become CEO of Stark Industries, I'm 88% sure she's going to be the one to do all the heavy lifting." Tony jokes. Loki gives him a tight smile in return. It doesn't reach his unreadable eyes. But Tony's too busy to notice. He has his phone in his pocket, has attempted to comb his hair and is turning to Loki with a pose.

"How do I look, Mr. Designer?"

"The suit... Suits you." Loki struggles. _Pepper._

Tony grins. He gives Loki a peck on the cheek and says "Goodbye, love. See you tonight." before leaving the apartment.

It all happens too fast and the apartment feels so quiet too suddenly. Loki does a quick look around, hoping to find something that Tony has left that would make Tony need to come back. Because he can't deal with waiting for nothing again. He spots nothing, but his phone lights up with a text message and produces a sound he'd never even heard before.

"Cause I shoot to thrill, and I'm ready to kill."

He walks over to his phone and holds it up, inspecting it. It's a text from 'Tony <3'. Funny. He'd never even gotten Tony's number, and he certainly would never put a heart next to a name. _Any_  name.

"Hacked your phone to get your number while you were asleep. Not the best way to do it, but I've done worse."

Loki half rolls his eyes.

"Stop texting and driving" Loki sends, and then he head to brush his teeth.

"Cause I shoot to thri-" Loki quickly unlocks his phone to spare the rock tirade.

"Guess I'll have to text you during the meeting then. It's just about some clientele. Some think they might be suspicious. Luckily, it's not really my division. Obie handles that."

Loki frowns with his mouth full of toothpaste.

"Stop texting me. It's dangerous." Loki spits the toothpaste out and rinses his mouth.

"Cause I sh-"

"So sweet to know you care. Alright, text you later." Tony sends.

Loki puts on a pair of green underwear and black pants before settling back down on the bed to change Tony's contact name to anything without a heart.

He can't. For some reason, no matter how many times he changes it, it always reverts back to 'Tony <3' immediately. He has a strange feeling that Tony had a lot to do with this.

He lets his phone lie down on the portion of the bed next to him, and he stares into the ceiling, allowing his thoughts to run free in his head.

_Why did Tony give him the number of his assistant? Was it because Tony didn't really want to let him go even when Tony left? What did Tony think would be the result of giving him his assistant's number?_

Loki sits back up, legs dangling off the edge of the bed. It's okay, he's got Tony now, it's all going to be okay. _It's all going to be okay._  Loki remembers the dream, and he remembers letting go. Scenarios run through Loki's mind, both things that have happened and things that could. Tony could not return. Tony did not return before. Tony promised before. Tony's promises mean jack shit. Tony didn't understand mental illness. Tony is unhealthy for him. Yet Loki is in love with this man, too in love for the time they've spent together, too deep, and he can feel himself falling still.

And at that moment, Loki realises one thing.

He has to break up with Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. yes.. 2 more chapters (and I know it isn't much, because my chapters are really quite short. Give me a break, I write on my phone. If I were a reader, I'd wait until I'm done with everything before I even started because I have so little patience. I admire you guys for sticking around and reading my too constant and way too tiny updates. I'm babbling.) But on the other hand, i've started planning the sequel and it's going to be better. I don't know if I should write it yet but I have plans.


	13. Green Is a Rare Colour for Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two hearts broken, one green bouquet, and no words spoken.
> 
> April 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of Sin by Design, unless you count the epilogue. If you're still reading, thank you so much. I know I'm not the best by far, and I appreciate it.

Loki’s nearing his bedroom, and he turns back. He heads towards the door, and he turns around yet again. He’s actually been doing this for ten minutes, pacing back and forth. He half-collapses at the dining table, hitting his hands against the clear plastic of it. He knows not when Tony will be back, but he knows that if he waits until then to make his mind up, he will not do as he should. He only knows that Tony will be back _tonight_. He looks up to the clock, then suddenly aware of the constant and very irritating ticking noise. In any case, it’s 1:45PM.

He sits down on one of the chairs surrounding the dining room table. He plants his face in his hands, feels a surge of something strong coming up and pushes the chair to his right with all the force he can muster. The metal legs of the chair crash against the wooden flooring, leaving a slight dent and echoing a distasteful sound around the room. It relaxes him. Just a little.

He closes his eyes and he sees Tony: Tony cockily approaching him for the first time; Tony showing up drunk at his apartment, Tony doing, well, _things_ , to him when he went to Tony’s mansion that one time. And then he remembers the lies, the secrets, the rules he’d spent so much time trying to get away from coming back to haunt him.

Though he tries hard not to suppress some images, Thor’s face still comes up in his mind. He opens his eyes, trying to shut that image out but it doesn’t work. He gasps, remembering something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

As if his life was about to end, memories flash in his mind, but only those concerning Thor. He didn’t even know he still keeps these in his head. Jealousy when Thor kissed this girl. Sitting beside Thor on his bed when Thor cried silently. Kissing Thor for the first time. Thor telling his parents that they had-

No, he must think of Tony instead. Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony. Less pain, more _now_. No point in digging up the past. His eyes trail to the kitchen, where in a cabinet lies his escape from the pain. But he looks to the clock again and lets the ticking overwhelm him, other thoughts being drowned out by the sound. _He needs to do this_. _He can do this._

* * *

 

Okay, so it’s 2:20PM and he’s got nothing.  The thing is, he’d probably be more certain of breaking up with Tony if he didn’t have the small voice at the back of his head going, “But he is trying”.

“I don’t have time for him to try.” He replies to seemingly nothing.

He looks at the pencils and paper messily stacked together beside him and he decides to practice what he will say to Tony on it. He’ll write a script. Yes, that’s not too bad an idea. It’s better than the prospect of breaking up with him face to face and then not remembering a single reason to break up with Tony.

He takes a deep breath.

_Dear Tony_

He stops, tapping the back of the pen he’s using against the table.

_I don’t know how to say this, but I’m breaking up with you._

He stares at the words, and wonders if it is truly the right thing to do. Just go on, he tells himself, you can change all this later. Okay, let’s start with the first reason.

_I am not emotionally capable of having a relationship at the moment. As you know, I suffer from anxiety and depression, and you don’t understand it well enough to help, and it’s not your fault._

This is complete bullshit. Just utter crap.

_You’ll have to go back to your own life soon and I don’t know how we’re going to work this out because you obviously don’t want your dad to find out, and I’m not exactly enthralled with the idea of being in the closet._

Okay, warmer, this is more progress than the past hour. But it still feels.. fake.

_I care about you, but this cannot happen. I wish for your happiness._

_~~Love,~~ With Warmest Regards, Loki_

That is definitely not enough. Loki puts his palms together and presses it to his forehead. And one thought seeps into his mind. _You can’t go through that again._

And suddenly, everything seems clearer, more resolute. He knows exactly what he must do.

_Dear Tony_

_What I’m about to tell you will not be the most perfect story, and it does not have a happy ending. Just read and don’t say anything until I’m done. There was a boy named Thor…_

* * *

 

Tony parks his car in the driveway, holding a bouquet of green flowers. There are green roses, and green carnations, and green chrysanthemums and other green flowers he couldn’t remember the name of. It’s about 11PM now and _thank God_ for florists who work later nights and appeal to strange requests. He still remembers the confusion on the florist’s face when he asked for green flowers for a lover.

“We don’t have many of those,” the florist man had explained, looking around the shop.

“Just give me all you have then,” Tony replied, “It’s important. Please.”

“Alright, let me make a few calls.”

And with that, within an hour, green flowers were brought in and a bouquet was made. Tony now thinks that perhaps getting _all_ green flowers was not absolutely necessary, but the thought had not struck him until now so what the heck. He walks down the stairs and is surprised to see a duffel bag in front of the door with an umbrella carefully planted over it to shelter it from any rain that could befall. He hurries down the stairs, and notices a envelope stuck to the door with his name written on it in Loki’s handwriting.

He places the flowers in one hand as he carefully takes the paper out from the envelope. It isn’t sealed. He skims through the first line, but his reading begins to slow down a lot, and he takes a seat on the first step, still carefully placing the bouquet in his lap. He reads it from the top, but he reads it very slowly this time, hanging onto every word. His fingers caress the places where tear drops had fallen, leaving indents in the soft paper.

_Dear Tony_

_I cannot justify what I’m about to say. And I do not deserve your patience, but please, finish this letter before you say a single word. I’m going to tell you a story._

_There was a boy named Thor. I loved him with all my heart, and one day, he broke it. He was my step-brother, you see, and he told his parents about us. They kicked me out, and I had a very hard time. I really loved him, not just as a brother, but I loved to comfort him, to sit with him, and eventually, to kiss him. When he betrayed us, I knew that the only reason that we had to really break up was because our father especially would not hear of it. Pride issues. I still blame Thor, but it wasn’t all his fault. I decided I never wanted to do anything in secret again. All the hiding under Thor’s bed when we heard either parent coming closer, all the worrying that he might get found out, all the holding my breath in the dark closet wishing to become invisible.. It was exhausting._

_I am afraid that if I allow myself to be with you, I would be heading down the very path I went down before again, the one I swore to never even think of. I am scared, Tony, I am terrified of what, of how I feel for you, and I don’t want to be hurt again._

_I understand that you cannot go against your father’s, excuse me, homophobic beliefs and that too much is at stake for me to ask that you come out, so I’m giving you – both of us – an out. Everything you ever gave me or brought here is in that duffel bag. It’s really almost empty._

_I wish you all the best._

_Love, Loki_

Tony sits in silence for a moment, and that turns into ten minutes. He feels the pain hit him so softly like a pillow, then slowly eat at all his muscles, and his bones. He feels a lump in his throat and a pit in his stomach. His eyes brim with tears, and his mouth has gotten too dry for him to breathe. He hears the sound of a drop of water hitting paper, and realises it’s his own tear on the letter. He folds the letter neatly and keeps it. He’s not sure why. It’s brought him nothing but pain. He wishes rain would fall down on him, to wash all this away, to drown all this out, but the sky is clear of clouds. He makes an attempt at humour by thinking about how when he finally wants rain in the U.K., it doesn’t come. He doesn’t laugh or smile at his own joke. Rationality begins to seep back in, but only barely. He stands up, but feels like his legs have turned to lead, and that every footstep is suddenly so much heavier. The bouquet lands on the floor with a soft rustle that he barely manages to hear. Is that a ringing noise? Where is it coming from? He picks the duffel bag up and consciously avoids stepping on the bouquet for.. some reason he can’t remember anymore and he heads up the stairs, falling down once with an unimpressive thud. He gets up, and into his car. He thinks of nothing, and it takes him forever to register the honking of the car behind him, screaming at him to go before the light becomes red again. And it takes him four times to finally remember to turn into his house instead of just driving pass it. And it takes him a long while to register that Jarvis asked him why he was back so soon, and how was his vacation. Tony frowns for a while. He can’t remember any vacation.

When Tony sleeps that night, he dreams of waking up beside Loki. When he wakes up the next morning, he cries. He wonders why he did not choose to do anything except walk away when he read the note, and he wonders why he walked away again, and he just wonders. He reads the note so many times he memorises it, and then he keeps it someplace no one will ever find.

He drowns his throat in vodka, and then he goes back to sleep. When he would wake up again, he’d feel two seconds of happiness before he doesn’t dare to open his eyes; doesn’t dare to check if Loki’s beside him or not. Because now, not knowing would be better than the truth.

He wonders still, and he wonders why his bed isn’t crumpled, why it is a different colour than when Loki was here. He wonders why he didn’t tell Loki he loves Loki, and he wonders why he will not call Loki now and tell him. He wonders about the flowers. What did Loki do to them? Did Loki like them?

And he takes months to realise that he loves Loki and cannot get over him. And it takes him another two months to find out that he can. And it takes him another three to be sure that he is over Loki. But he will not throw that note away. Still, once every six months or so, he’d read it. Sometimes, he’d still tear.

He still takes out that magazine, the first of many more to come, to have Loki on their cover page shortly after his line, Sin by Design, was released. He saw the designs, and he still remembers watching Loki design Wrath. He sees Loki in dresses on the red carpet, and he sees Loki on magazine covers, but he doesn’t see Loki again.

Well, not for many years, anyway.


	14. Epilogue: Captain America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> January, 2025
> 
> Loki and Tony have gone more than a decade without contact, and they had planned to. But oftentimes, the things you try hard to escape from are the very things that come back to you.

They used to say that America was the beacon of freedom. Now, they grant me that title. Headlines say that I, Captain America, have brought the world, well, world peace. It takes about a month for them to get over this excitement to start forums about whether it was a good thing, after all. One particularly eloquent person wrote in a forum that I am simply the “doorstopper in the way of the great gates of war, waiting to close down on the entire concept of freedom” and that once I died, the built up tension would erupt and the world peace would end. I, of course, have my fair share of war secrets. What I can say is that just because you don’t have to cover your ears to brace yourself for the gunshots doesn’t mean that there is peace; doesn’t mean for a second that there aren’t still whispers and plans going on. But I digress.

Here’s what went on in the last decade or so. After I left Britain to join the American army, they accepted me, but they always put me in the least significant position they could find. It wasn’t as if the US was in great need of soldiers, so fewer volunteered, and even though I got in, no one ever took notice of me. Not until Tony Stark was in captivity in Afghanistan. No one knew what to do. Howard Stark had died years prior to this, and no mind was more capable to locate Tony than his own father. Tony Stark, however, is a genius, and he escaped with the first version of what we all now popularly dub “The Iron Man Suit”. He then did something no one expected – well two things. One, he stopped all sale of Stark Industries weapons immediately. Two, he called for the army to send him one person for him to make into a super soldier to help obtain peace.

During one test in the army, someone threw a grenade onto the ground. I leapt onto it. It turned out to be a fake grenade. As far as I know, that’s why they chose me to be Captain America. I got to lead my own men – and women – into battle, and we were the only people in the world who held Stark Industries’ newest weapons. People died along the way, and some I knew better than others, but in the end, we accomplished what we set out to do. And now, we are going home.

As I easily lift my backpack of all the things I brought into war that survived the trip, I look around at all the people I’ve grown to know and love. Peggy smiles back at me, and we hear the cheers from the Arrival terminal of the airport. Some are crying, and others are screaming so loudly, I’d be surprised if they didn’t damage their voice somehow.

“Looks like some people have heard of you.” Peggy teases me, and we all laugh together.

Once we’re through Arrival, we all split up, each of us finding the people who we love most in the world. Wives, children, families, etc. I, on the other hand, have Tony Stark waiting for me.

“Enjoy the ride on my private plane, Rogers?” Tony asks, beaming.

“Well, the colours were a little gaudy..” I joke.

“Says the man who wears a tight fitting suit into battle.” Tony retorts, and we both laugh.

“Hey, I got someone I want you to meet. I think you’d get along. He’s waiting for me at somewhere called.. Brotzeit?” I read off my Stark 3 phone. It doesn’t get released until next month, but Tony gave all of my soldiers one.

“Brotzeit, yeah. Opened about five years ago.” Tony says, his lips curling up at the sides. He was clearly trying not to laugh.

“Right.”

I follow Tony to the restaurant, and then my eyes scan the place. I don’t see him anywhere, so I go further in, and Tony follows me this time. I finally see him in a small dining room with the door open and I all but run towards him, he standing up just in time for me to hug him as tightly as I can.

“You’ve.. gotten bigger.” He says, and I miss that voice so much.

“You surely have seen the pictures.”

“I thought it was Photoshop.”

“That’s new editing software?”

He laughs. “Yes, Steve.”

“Hey, I want you to meet-” My words are stuck in my throat suddenly, when I turn back to see Tony. His eyes are widened and unblinking, his face is pale, and he looks more shaken than I’ve ever seen him. He looks like he’d rather go through the battle with North Korea again than be here. But why..

As I look back, Loki has an expression of fear, too. Only his mouth is opened slightly and his hands are shaking.

“You guys alright?” I say tentatively. I see confused people staring at us through the open door and I walk over to close it. “Guys?” I try again.

They both start walking towards one another, and I can’t tell what either of them is thinking.

“You know each other?” I ask slowly.

There’s silence, and they’re a foot apart now.

“Yes.” Tony whispers. Tony very slowly brings his right hand up to Loki’s face and places it on his cheek. It would look like an act of love and tenderness if I didn’t get the feeling Tony was trying to ascertain if it was really Loki there or not. Loki closes his eyes, and tears seep onto his black eyelashes. I feel like I’m intruding on something very intimate and personal, but I do not leave. I don’t think it’d make much of a difference, and besides, I don’t understand what’s going on at all.

Tony drops his hand and takes a seat at the round table that can accommodate four opposite Loki’s seat. Loki opens his eyes to reveal sheen of tears over his eyes and he, too, joins Tony at the table. I do the same, sitting beside both of them.

Loki turns to me and he opens his mouth three seconds before the words manage to come out.

“So tell me about the wars.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amazingly, I have finished Sin by Design. Let me know what you think, and if you want me to write more about the future of Loki and Tony. Or I could just leave it to your imaginations..


End file.
